


Sure I'll Check in the Back

by BloodthirstyKitten, Kera_moondust



Series: Don't Work In Customer Service (All the Patrons are Assholes) [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Retail, Black Friday, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Merdick, Multi, POV Second Person, POV Sollux Captor, Polyamory, Stupid Boys, Thanksgiving Dinner, This Is Not How You Romance, Weird Biology, monsterstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:45:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 33,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3310988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodthirstyKitten/pseuds/BloodthirstyKitten, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kera_moondust/pseuds/Kera_moondust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No SBURB Retail AU In which Sollux Captor hates his job at a stupid clothing store while his girlfriend attempts to hook him up with the patron he loathes the most. In doing so he faces such ordeals as “why is there a giant fishman floating in a huge bubble of water,” “why does said giant fish man come in every single time I work” and “oh my god I just mopped up that floor.”</p><p>Includes one (1) snarky objecthead, one (1) cranky demon, three (3) mer-people, one (1) unidentified fishfolk, one (1) moth girl, two (2) fairies, one (1) usually baked kelpie, one (1) sexually frustrated centaur, (1) happy little satyr, and slew of other minor characters that really don't need to be mentioned just yet. Also weird fish sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BloodthirstyKitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodthirstyKitten/gifts).



> Hello all! I'm Kera and one of the coauthors for our "Don't Work in Customer Service (All the Patrons are Assholes)" This particular Erisol fic is written by me, Kera. The next Fic featuring JohnKat as the main pairing will be written by Kitten. I hope you all enjoy part 1 of our Monsterstuck AU! We have big plans for this! =3
> 
> 7/3/15 ~ Made a slight edit to allow for some different world building. Nothing major. =3

**== > Enter Name**

Your name is Sollux Captor and you’re pretty sure the world hates you just as much as you hate yourself. Unfortunately, you don’t really have the time to think about how much everything hates you, because you currently have a fifteen foot siren man floating around your store (you use the _your_ in that phrase loosely), inside a seemingly impossibly floating bubble of water getting every flannel sweater you just folded oh so neatly sopping wet. You groan, watching helplessly from the sidelines as the giant fish man pulls another sweater from the stack and gives it a quizzical look. God, it’s as if he hadn’t just picked up the exact same one in a different color _five seconds ago._

A few moments pass by when you _finally_ decide you’ve had it. He’s been touching shit with his wet fingers and making a huge mess all over the wooden floors, which you’re probably going to have to mop once he leaves. You’ll just march your happy ass over there, put on the happiest emoticon you’ve got in your files, and ask him, oh so kindly, if he needs help finding anything. 

You ponder a moment and figure now is probably a good time to mention you’ve got a laptop computer for a head. You are in fact what many people refer to as an “object head” though you like to think the term is rather derogatory. 

“Can I help you?” You lisp out in a surprisingly non-electronic sounding voice. (What?! Just because you have a computer for a head doesn’t make you any less a living thing than any other monster in this god forsaken city.) The siren merman finally looks up at you startled for a moment dropping the now sopping wet sweater onto the ground with a gross _shrlurp_ sound. You take a moment to stop yourself from groaning. 

“Oh!” He says, seeming a bit startled as if he was so buried into the many different colors of this particular sweater style that he hadn’t even noticed you approach. This was of course absolutely ridiculous because you know for a fact that before he busied himself by making a mess he was staring at you. “Uh, yeah! Actually, can you help me find the sweater that’s on that mannequin over there? I’ve found this one… It’s kind of similar but it’s still not the right one…” He’s got what has to be the dumbest accent you have ever heard. He does this weird thing with his w’s and v’s that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

You have to struggle not to let an angry face find its way onto your screen, as you look slightly to your right and notice the exact sweater he’s asking for is literally not even a full fucking foot to his right hand side. 

It is visibly noticeable how truly hard you have to try not to be the biggest asshole in the store and scream out _“Ta da!”_ motioning towards the aforementioned sweater. Let it be known now, if you still had teeth (yes you used to fucking have teeth!? What do you think this is?), you’d be gritting them. Instead you opt for your usual “customer service” tone, which you’d have to be stupid to ever call it cheery but at the very least most of the customers don’t go so far as to call you rude. “Uh, yeah, it’s right here.” You motion towards the siren’s right hand side. 

He looks utterly floored to finally know where the sweaters are.

You scoff internally and take a moment to admire just how dumb and hipster the stupid sweater is; it’s this stupid purple and blue plaid flannel you got in last week. It’s not like flannel’s anything new; your store literally has hundreds of them in every color you can think.

It’s around this moment you find yourself involuntarily checking out the siren. What? you won’t really admit it but he’s kind of a hot piece of ass. 

He’s got short enough black hair (if you’re being honest with yourself its more towards a medium length) in one of the more common hipster styles gelled back and somehow not all over the fucking place, (despite the fact that he’s literally floating in water) with a dumb purple asshole stripe dyed in. He’s wearing stupid ray-ban glasses that don’t look prescription at all. He’s wearing a black shirt with the Aquarius symbol under purple flannel that matches the stock in your store (though just slightly different in the dumbest way). You wonder why he wears those idiot rubber bracelets over his flannel, considering they look extremely out of place paired with a billion gold rings (they’re probably real, the asshole wears ray-bans it’s not impossible), and some of the gaudiest necklaces you’ve ever seen.

It’s the tail that bugs you the most. Despite the fact that his fins aren’t giant it’s still a huge ass tail that takes up too much damn space. The gills set in his pale ass neck look nice though, you’ll give him that. They’re the same color as the stripe in his hair and about the only thing on his human third that look vaguely non-hipster.

At around this point in your observations that he does something that really makes you want to just punch him in the face, water be damned. You’re certain he’s just being an asshole. He swipes off his nearly identical flannel (wrestling with the rubber bracelets for maybe two seconds and you wonder how the fuck he got it off so quickly) and puts on the one you pointed him to right there out in the open. He just puts it on. He doesn’t ask for a changing room or warn you or anything before the flannel is over his dumb Aquarius shirt and he’s trying to yank the sleeve under his shitty bracelets. There’s a scoff and it’s off as quickly as it had been pulled on, turned inside out and completely soaked as it drops back onto the pile.

“It doesn’t match my shirt as well as I had hoped.” He offers, looking at you for a brief moment. “Could you point me to the glasses?” (As if he can’t see the glasses stand that’s sitting right by the wall on the left hand side of the store. It’s about ten goddamn feet away and the tallest fucking rack in the store.)

You make a vague gesture in that direction, eager to get this fishy fuckhead to leave you alone; you’re about to go on your break. 

He swims away, leaving you examining the god awful mess of a sweater display. You pick up the ones too wet to be salvaged and thank heaven and earth that Rufioh has a dryer in the back. Wandering towards the far right corner, you wave towards the satyr girl working the register.

“Yo, AA, I’m goin’ on my ten.” You say as you open a door marked ‘Employees Only’ on it. You barely hear her say something resembling “Ok!” as you shuffle through. 

You silently wish you had a lunch break today as you slouch up the stairs into the small break room and plop your ass onto a couch. God, you wish you were on your lunch break. You could go plug yourself into an outlet in the food court and meet up with Karkat to bitch about customer service jobs. No matter what Karkat will say about how much worse he has it making coffee all god damned day, you know in your heart that retail is definitely worse.

(Karkat works in the same mall as you in one of the little coffee shops called LOLCAT Café or some shit. You’d been running into him at the food court for weeks you realized he worked at Skaia Mall too. It was even longer after that before you learned that you both attend the same goddamn university. You like to think the basis of your friendship is mostly just bitching about work and school and you’re pretty ok with that.)

The ten minute break you’re on goes by too quickly, spent in grateful inactivity, and before you know it you’re back on your feet and headed to the sales floor. A prickle of annoyance sweeps down your back as you notice several pairs of hipster frames strewn across the accessories table, which, you should add, was pretty god damn far away from the glasses rack. While there’s a mirror there, it takes roughly twenty seconds to go from glasses rack to table and therefore there’s no excuse. You groan and grab the five or six pairs littered around the display and turn towards where they belonged, only to be greeted by Mr. Fish Face from before with least five pairs of glasses in hand, trying them on and carelessly tossing them onto the accessories table. 

There’s about five seconds where you have to physically stop yourself from stomping over to him and cussing him out for his careless inconsideration. You opt for the lighter option and walk over to ask if you can assist this guy and get his fish ass out of the store. Seeing as he already has a pair of Ray-bans he’s obviously just dicking around with the cheap plastic hipster glasses your store has to offer.

“Do you need help finding anything?” You say a tone of irritation just barely noticeable through your heavy lisp. (You can’t say you weren’t disappointed when the lisp didn’t disappear along with the whole having teeth thing.)

Fish Face (as you have now dubbed your tormentor) turns to you and gives you a slightly contorted look before adding more clutter to the table. “Yeah! Which one of these pairs of glasses do you think looks the best?!” He pulls two pairs of glasses and shows them to you. 

There’s a sigh on lockdown in your chest. “Honestly, you already have a much better version on your head.” He’s really just holding up cheaper plastic versions.

He makes a rather disgruntled face. “Oh, well, I just thought that maybe I could do with some new ones!”

“I mean, if you really want to buy a shittier version of glasses you already own be my guest.”

He looks somewhat defeated but ultimately picks a pair with a dumb mustache chained to the nose so it hangs down above your lip.

“I don’t have ones like these.” He concludes shortly before looking at you again. “Say, what is your name anyway? I’d like to tell the manager what great help you’ve been!” He flashes you a really stupid grin.

You let the sigh in your chest be known. “Sollux.” 

“Wonderful! I’m Eridan; it’s been a pleasure!” He swims towards the register, dumb glasses in hand.

You’re silently glad that he’s finally not bugging you before you remember the sweaters still in the dryer. You curse under your breath and head towards the back room.

When you return with the sweaters properly folded you notice the fish- Eridan- is gone but those stupid glasses with the stupid chain mustache sit discarded by the cash register. You growl under your breath and fight the emoticon of a stick figure slamming its head into a wall wanting to play onto your screen. 

The rest of the work day is played out in basic normality, though it was already pretty close to closing time when Eridan finally decided to stop tormenting you. You get back to your initial position of fretting over flannel sweaters, making sure they’re neatly sized and stacked so that your close would go by pretty quickly. You’re walking with the now dry and neatly folded flannels in hand when you slip on the grotesquely wet wood floor and crash to the ground with a large thud. The laptop you’ve got in place of your head goes black for a split second upon impact. You curse loudly before scrambling to stand up trying desperately to save the flannels from the sopping wet ground. Much to your dismay you fail to stop the pile of now dry sweaters from falling directly into the puddle. 

“Fuuuuccck!” You hastily pick up the stupid sweaters and march your ass towards the back room to send these same stupid sweaters through the dryer again, for the second stupid ass time today!

Aradia, the satyr girl behind the counter and also your best friend in this fuckhole, shoots you a slightly confused look; you flip her the bird and walk into the back, throwing the sweaters into the dryer and grabbing a god damn towel while you’re at it because you’ll be damned if you’re going to let that shit happen again. 

“AA, I don’t even want to hear it.” You say promptly as you walk towards the first path of puddles the fish man tracked around your store. You think you hear Aradia stifling laughter from a few feet away, whatever, she’s got fucking cloven feet, she’d be on her ass in a millisecond if she weren’t so safely tucked behind that stupid little counter the cash register is positioned on.

Not even a minute later Aradia makes her way towards you with a wide smile on her face holding a towel she must’ve had stashed somewhere behind the register. She takes no more than two steps before she’s flat on her ass, just as you predicted. You want to sigh and say “I told you so” but the fact of the matter is, you didn’t actually mention that she’d probably fall on her ass. 

She quickly erupts into a fit of laughter, turning to you two rusty colored eyes burning with affection. 

“Oh, right!” She giggles. “I have hooves.”

You bite your tongue and fight the urge to mention that yes, she does in fact have hooves, and no, this is not a new thing.

She quickly flips around and on her knees wiping up the puddle. “Sollux, will you be a dear and go close the doors? I think we’ve had enough customer interaction for one day.”

Begrudgingly, you stand from where you’ve been wiping and walk over to the first set of large doors that lead out to the street, promptly locking them. While making your way over to the opposite side of the store to shut the doors that actually lead into Skaia Mall you remember that it’s also your job to let Tavros know that the store is closed. He’s been working in the fitting room all day.

“Yo, Tavros, the store’s closed!” You call down the large hallway where the fitting rooms are. There’s a disgruntled boy with large and kind of obnoxious brownish reddish fairy wings sitting in a wheel chair in front of a table at the back of the hall, trying desperately to fold a floppy graphic T shirt, muttering small curses as it crinkles under his every touch. He looks up at you in utter shock, as if he never expected you to be standing there in two hundred years and you stifle a chuckle.

“Oh… uh… Already? I haven’t finished folding the first stack of shirts yet…” He says, motioning to a very large mountain of tacky hipster clothes to his right hand side. You have to try really hard not to let a frowny emoticon play onto your screen, because he’s had the exact same pile of stock fill to fold all fucking day and has barely managed to fold, like, five shirts.

You walk down the door lined hallway and position yourself next to Tavros, folding the first stack of shirts at about two hundred times his speed before going out towards the women’s floor to put this back. 

Tavros, though a nice enough kid, is completely and totally awful at his job. You think in any other retail store in the country he wouldn’t even had made it past his first week of work due to his horrendous incompetence, but this isn’t just some stupid retail store. This is a store owned by Rufioh Nitram, Tavros’s older brother, dubbed Boy Skylark Outfitters. You consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to wear some super dumb Peter Pan outfit to work every day, because for some unknown reason you guys sell _hipster_ clothes. You’re pretty sure Aradia said once that it’s the only thing Rufioh was any good at selling for some reason. You try not to think about the fairy fucktard who owns this place.

The rest of the close goes pretty smoothly once you’ve got the water mopped up off the floor and wiped from the glasses and why is it even legal for water monsters to come in stores with their goddamned water bubbles when they can just fucking use magic to swap the fins for legs. Your girlfriend’s a fucking mermaid for pete’s sake, you know these things!

It’s about midnight by the time you finally get everything finished and can go home, which is about an hour later then they had you marked down for. It’s not exceptionally terribad, you could do with the extra cash. Aradia was cool enough to get you the job, being basically your best friend plus your ex, you’re not going to complain. 

Thus concludes the first day you met Eridan Ampora.

You hope that you never ever have to lay your eyes on that fishy fuckface ever again.

When you get home and unlock the door (a brisk twenty minute walk from the mall), your creepy-ass roommate sweats nervously at his computer, one hoof pawing at the ground for a second. You think you see him exit a tab on his internet browser, but you’re not going to snoop. You mostly try really hard not to think about what he might be doing while you’re at work, because the thought of it is enough to make you want to go take a shower.

You and Equius have been rooming together for a couple weeks at this point and, though you don’t hate the guy, it’s nothing like rooming with your last roommate. Yeah, you’ll admit that you kind of miss the dopey ass clown, despite the fact that he was always high as fuck and obviously was not cut out for college. Whatever, he dropped out and Karkat moved in with him. (It was a little after that when you realized your ex-roommate was boning Tavros.)

Whatever, you’re not really the type to judge. 

**== > Sollux: Get Back to Work**

The next day you have an earlier shift at work, you’re opening the store. Aradia stands at the cash registers, she’s the only one Rufioh allows there most the time, and apparently Tavros has the day off because some random dude whose name you don’t know is loitering around the fitting room. You obviously don’t get the cool job again today. Whatever, you can man the sales floor like a fucking champ.

The first two hours of your shift go by mostly without a hitch. You play on your phone during your ten minute break; ten minutes isn’t enough time to do shit. You’re lucky enough to work in an establishment that allows hour long lunches. God, is that nice. 

On your way back downstairs, or more specifically the second you hit the floor, you notice that there’s water all over the floor.

Wait, there’s water all over the floor.

You flip your shit for a moment before noticing that fishy siren fuck – Eridan – swimming frantically around in his obnoxious water bubble muttering what sounds something like _“soul”_ under his breath. A quick glance shows Aradia standing behind the counter with a shit eating grin playing across her face pointed in your direction that you wish you could forget. Honestly, it’s just plain creepy how she does that.

“So, Eridan came in basically right as you went on break. He asked for you.” Aradia’s smile gets wider as she speaks. “I told him you were on your ten; he’s been swimming around in circles like a little lost puppy ever since. I think he’s been muttering the beginning of your name under his breath.” She giggles.

You allow the .GIF of someone’s jaw dropping to play on your face. This guy can’t be for real. Aradia’s basically rolling with laughter as you quickly school your expression to the polite smiley and walk towards Eridan, who hasn’t noticed your presence yet. 

You can tell when he does. His expression immediately perks up and waves you obnoxiously over to him. You force the smiley to stay on your face.

“What did you need me for?” You ask as you attempt to politely keep your head far away from his watery mess. You’re not really sure if water would fry your computer head but you’re not really willing to chance it. Hell, you’re the kind of guy that wears a plastic bag over his head in the shower. Fuck, you’d do anything not to wind up like your brother. Mituna got into a pretty serious accident that resulted in him having “a broken computer” which roughly translates to he’s brain damaged. You think it’s been pretty hard on his girlfriend, but he’s mostly her problem these days so whatever. 

“Oh, Sol! I decided earlier that I wanted to go buy a scarf today, and I remembered that your store had a pretty good selection, but I can’t seem to remember where they’re at. I was sort of hoping you could, maybe, help me pick one out?” Eridan’s speech started out strong and slowly pattered off into what sounded a little like uncertainty.

Wait, did he just call you Sol?

You scoff to yourself; you only let yourself abbreviate names if you’re good friends with that person. Who does this clown think he is? Someone who can just come in here and start acting as if he’s known you for decades? God, you really hate this fucker. 

“Please, call me Sollux. But yeah, the scarves are right over there.” You motion towards a wall sort of near the back, possibly a little out of the way but if he’d just looked up for like two seconds instead of swimming around in circles neurotically waiting for you, he would’ve seen it himself.

He isn’t at all deterred by the fact that your smiley emoticon is obviously pained, as much as smiley emoticons can be. He swims in that general direction and you trail behind him slowly. Aradia attempts not to burst into laughter as she rings up a customer when you flash a .GIF of a stick figure committing suicide her direction. Her customer looks so confused at you two morons. 

Eridan has already started trying on every fucking scarf when you reach the wall of neck warmers where you proceed to play style consultant. You’re supposed to evaluate his looks as picks up each one, pulling them into the water and wrapping each one around his neck. You usually ping up a stupid thumbs-up emote ripped straight out of Facebook as he scoffs his disapproval and moves on to the next unsuspecting scarf. This wouldn’t be quite so bad if he didn’t proceed to drop each scarf, now effectively soaked, into your arms. You’re supposed to hold them for him so that when he’s done he can efficiently sort through and find the one he wants. 

Eventually, he goes through every single goddamn scarf on the wall and you’re leaning in this awkward ass position trying desperately to keep your head away from your arms and the sopping mess they carry. You are basically completely soaked. Fishfuck doesn’t really seem to give a shit or realize at all that it could damage to you. In the end his decision happens to be one of the first three he tried on (of fucking course) and yay, you get to shuffle through wet wool and cotton and yarn until you find the specific one he needs. Of course, it has to be on the bottom. With some effort you eventually manage to grab the correct scarf, but at what cost? You’re not just wet anymore; you’re basically completely fucking covered in water. Yeah whatever, you totally needed a shower anyway you plead trying desperately not just fall into a spiral of self-hatred.

Eventually, after trying on the same scarf seven or maybe even eight times. (Who’s even counting at this point?) Eridan turns your way. “Would you happen to have this scarf in blue? I like this scarf but the purple isn’t the right shade and it’s totally clashing with my fins.” He says managing to sound like the biggest prick you’ve heard in the history of ever. 

You proceed to look down at the sopping wet stack of scarves in your hands you scoff inwardly, before thumbing through them. “No, I don’t think we have that particular style in blue right now.” 

“Would you mind checking in the back?” He asks with large hopeful eyes. 

You’d totally be biting your tongue right now if you had one. You’re so totally biting your metaphorical tongue. You turn towards the door with the little ‘Employees Only’ sign briskly, passing Aradia as she snickers behind the cash register at you. You would have double flipped her off if she wasn’t with a customer and your hands weren’t full. You throw the pile of scarves into the dryer and glance into the stock bins.

Much to your surprise, it does look you like carry the scarf Fishfuck wants in blue, it’s just out of stock right now. You won’t get another shipment in for a week at least. You make a mental note and wander back onto the sales floor. 

You walk briskly over towards Eridan. “So, we’re out of stock of the blue in that particular style and we won’t have a shipment in for a few days.” 

He nods through his defeated look.

You look at the clock. Wow, has this asshole really been in your store for two whole fucking hours just trying on scarves? You excuse yourself, as it’s time for your favorite part of the day.

Lunch. 

You’re sitting downstairs for about twenty or so minutes before you see a head of unruly black hair and small pointed ears tinted a hot shade of red storming up to you. Karkat doesn’t even give you a second to collect your thoughts before he’s off on his first tirade.

He’s bellowing something along the lines of. “I’m sorry I’m late, there were these idiots in the café today,” as he hurries up to the table where you’ve planted your ass down as you were waiting for the obnoxious demon you dare to call your friend. Yes, Karkat is a demon. Despite the fact that he’s super defensive about what type of demon, you don’t know that part, but he’s obviously a demon and not still a human. Lots of people might think he’s still a human upon first inspection. If you look close enough, he’s got these flame red eyes, pointed ears, and dark skin with the slightest tint of gray. It makes him look a little malnourished. 

You throw a hand in his direction, shutting him up. “I don’t even want to hear it KK, you have no idea what true pain is, come back when you’ve dealt with the fucking asshole I had to endure today and yesterday.” You think back to Eridan and the train wreck he caused you. 

“Okay but there was these morons, two of them Sollux, two of the worst pungent probing shitmonkies in the entire universe, do you even know how many tables they knocked over, they knocked over fucking TABLES in the café and for some reason Nepeta hasn’t banned them—” 

“No, KK, shut up, you want to talk about people who should be banned, this fishfaced fuck came in yesterday and there was water everywhere, literally on everything and everywhere, I had to dry the fucking sweaters twice, TWICE, I should not have to dry the same stupid sweaters twice back to back—” You’re both acting as if this is the worst possible thing that has ever happened to you in the history of ever. You silently note that Karkat is definitely overreacting, even if it does sound pretty bad.

“There was sugar literally everywhere, over like the entire floor and there’s Nepeta behind the counter trying not to track the granular cavity crystals all over the place and there I am, armed with nothing but a broom and a dustpan, hurriedly sweeping up the disaster zone before somebody can come in and bash their head open on the ground because sugar’s fucking slippery on tile-“

“Aradia fell flat on her ass, hooves everywhere, and I’m on my hands and knees mopping this shitfest up with a towel, a fucking towel, do I look like Equius? The answer is no, shut up—” You have to stop yourself from shuddering from the mere thought of whatever the fuck your roommate does to need all those towels. 

“They didn’t even like my coffee Sollux, Shades McDouchefuck just threw his out and Buckteeth McWonder wouldn’t stop pulling stupid ass faces every couple seconds-”

“Water all over the glasses, I had to clean all of them-“

“Didn’t even try to fix things-“

The conversation quickly deteriorates into you and Karkat stumbling over each other’s words, fighting passionately about who has the worse asshole customers. His display is much more colorful than yours; he’s somehow trying to tell a story about tickling and bird wings with just his one set of arms. If you had a face you’d totally be smirking right now. Instead you utilize your screen to its full potential and let little stick-figure gifs illustrate your points and hammer in the finer details. 

Eventually, he settles down enough to actually tell you the story of his last couple hours in a more coherent manner. It’s an arduous tale involving a blue and green slimeboy named John and a phoenix who didn’t bother phasing his wings away named Dave. It was a hammed up tragic tale of overturned tables, spilled sugar, indecisive ordering, and a complete disregard of awesome caffeinated drink. He’s probably overreacting and though that does indeed suck a metric fuck ton you still think your story is just a little bit worse. You could’ve gotten water damage, for pity’s sake! 

You proceed to plug yourself into the nearest wall outlet. What?! You don’t actually eat, you just charge up. It’s a little hard to eat when you don’t have a mouth. With a mouth full of shitty food court burger, Karkat starts on a tirade about school next. He’s not doing so well, but you’re in a very different boat.

It’s been about two weeks since classes have started and you cannot even believe how easy this shit has been so far. You blow through your coding with ease. You and Karkat share a major and even a class after you realized you both went to the same college. It kind of took the two of you an embarrassingly long amount of time to figure out you both went to University of Prospit. It just seems even stupider than before now that you know Karkat lives with your ex roommate and his coworker/childhood friend is totally in the weirdest most feelings-inducing cutesy platonic relationship ever… with your roommate. Seriously though, your roommate totally creeps you the fuck out, and it totally doesn’t help that he’s banging Aradia, who, did you mention, is your ex? Yeah, you know it’s pretty fucking weird.

Anyway.

Karkat, despite desperately trying to understand computer science, is awful at basically all of it. You’ve seen him write code; it’s like watching an eighth grader trying to make his own website with the most basic HTML because he thought it would be cool, throwing something together, and being totally floored by the slop he produces. You stifle a laugh Karkat makes jabs at his professors, when you know for a fact that it’s just his inability to understand the work.

“KK, these teachers don’t know shit. I could do all these assignments in my fucking sleep. It’s child’s play!” Your metaphorical eyes are rolling. It’s probably up on your screen. 

“Maybe your class, I’m dying over here.” He spits back, fire hot behind his words; you have to physically try not to snort out in laughter. At this point that you’re officially late back to work, but you couldn’t really be bothered to actually give a shit. 

“No offence KK, but you kind of suck.” You’re kind of proud of yourself for not adding salt to the already festering wound that is Karkat and computer sciences by laughing at him. 

“Fuck you too.” He says, voice muffled through his hamburger. He’s making pretty ugly noises and basically inhaling what’s left of his lunch. “I’m awesome at this shit kay, the best fucking thing in the universe. And fuck you for insinuating otherwise.” 

“Dude, you couldn’t code your way out of a wet paper bag.” You say flatly, standing up and unplugging the cord coming from your face. Karkat slurps down the rest of his drink before tossing his garbage into a bin to his left, all the while shooting you this super unserious glare. 

“What the fuck ever Sollux, I’ve got to get back to being the best fucking Barista this mall has ever seen!” His voice drips with sarcasm.

“Yeah, yeah, I was supposed to be back to work like ten minutes ago but I had to wait for you, because your sorry ass was late!” You accuse back. He shoots you the middle finger and trudges in the opposite direction from you as you head back towards your retail-disguised prison.

**== > Time: Proceed**

The semester proceeds faster than you ever remember previous semesters going. You’re acing all your classes, obviously, and you’ve even settled into a pretty comfortable schedule at work. You’ve got at least a little spending money, which is a nice contrast to the usual money struggles you’ve been used to all your godforsaken life. Everything seems to be going well. 

Well, almost everything. Eridan Ampora has been back to your store on nearly every single one of your shifts. It seems the asshole has an affinity for ruining your day, and making you feel as if your bipolar meds aren’t nearly dosed high enough to stop you from going into a nearly suicidal homicidal frenzy. 

The fourth time he comes you were working in the fitting rooms. He seems rather distressed when he finally showed his mug in your area. (You later find out the reason: he was asking for you seeming pitifully confused about the fact that you weren’t on the sales floor. Aradia had explained you worked in the fitting area today.) He’s got about fifty different sweaters and pants in his arms. Your store doesn’t have an item limit, instead there’s this dumb little sign where you write the customer’s name and number of items they’re carrying.

You play fashion assistant at his request, because you’re in customer service and you fucking have to. You’re not even sure why even grabbed pants; he has no legs. He’s got a twelve foot fish tail.

He tries on several of the pants anyway much to your dismay, trying and failing to get them past his fin before giving up and taking them back off discarding them onto the floor with one leg inside out, completely soaked. After eating up about all of your shift with insistences that he try on every combination of shirts, pants, and accessories possible he decides to give up, ultimately buying nothing as usual. He leaves the fitting room a total disaster. You stay behind nearly two hours after your shift cleaning up his shitty mess. 

Several weeks later you were starting to get used to Eridan’s personal brand of fuckery. He always moves everything to somewhere it very obviously doesn’t belong, requests for you personally, and never buys a single fucking thing in all the times he comes in. Though no matter how many times you tell yourself that you’re definitely prepared for whatever Eridan has to dish out at you, he always floors you with his abject rudeness.

About a week or two after that first time, he swims his happy ass through your doors and starts picking through the shoes. Not until you agree to help him personally though, of course. He rifles through basically all the shoes, gendered styles be damned. 

Your immediate reaction is to ask him why on earth he was holding shoes, of course. He’s flat out refused to phase his tail into legs while he’s on land. Most fishfolk opt for the less cumbersome option of feet on land and tails in water. Some still use the ancient and outdated Anti-Gravitational Personal Hydrator, though, which allowed fishfolk to swim above the land. It was a time before they realized that magic was in fact a thing and fish tails could become legs. Nowadays, the few fishfolk who don’t use magic will mostly have good reasons, so you try not to judge. 

Eridan’s reason is that he doesn’t believe in magic. His Anti-Gravitational Personal Hydrator has science to back it up, so he can get behind using it. Since magic doesn’t exist, he will continue to deny his abilities unless forced, he says. You end up getting into a heated debate about science and magic which, ends in you wanting nothing more than to shoot both yourself and Eridan in the face. You, because how could you even possibly let yourself get dragged into this mess, and Eridan because he’s obviously a complete ignoramus of course.

Your shift comes to a close that day with Eridan deciding firmly that women’s shoe styles are so much better then guys but horribly uncomfortable. You’ve argued enough with him for one day, so you decide not to ask how he could possibly know if he refuses to swap the tail out for legs. He leaves the store as the very last customer of the evening, several boxes of misplaced and soaking wet shoes in his wake. That shit would take another two weeks to dry.

When Aradia later asks how it went with Eridan, you don’t even have it in you to play a .GIF. You simply walk up to the wall on the side of the store and promptly (and also very gently) banged your computer head into the wall.

A giggle. “That bad, huh?” 

You proceed to not actually respond and just gently bang your head into the wall. 

You would see him every day and on every single shift regardless of when you worked or what day. If you work the fitting rooms, he put forth the extra effort to actually try things on and ask for your help deciding what looked best. You’d think he’d have a decent idea of his size until one day he showed up with shirts of the same style in every size on the floor. The desire to slam your face into your palm was strong; god, how does this guy not know his size?! He’s got to know that the XXXL isn’t going to fit and neither is the XS, but he still proceeded to try them all on anyway.

His fitting room escapes had to be the worst. They were usually the worst to clean up too. 

About a week or so after the shirt size fiasco, he waltzes down the fitting room hall and demanded to be let into a room. When you finally give him one, rather dumbfounded, he leaves the door wide open to let you watch him make the dumbest faces into the mirror. He’s taking so many horribly stereotypical hipster selfies. When he finally dubs one “completely perfect!” you get his phone shoved into your face as he shows it off, basically begging you to follow his Tumblr and Instagram while he’s at it. Begrudgingly, you agree (only because you realize it’s the only way to get him to leave you the fuck alone).

It isn’t until later that you realize he wasn’t wearing or holding a single thing from the sales floor when he demanded to be let into a fitting room.

Basically, Eridan Ampora makes your work life hell.

**== > Sollux: Get back to the Present**

Before you know it, half of the semester flies by and mid-terms week is about half way over when you find yourself walking around one particular close with Ampora on your mind. You wish you could say you and Karkat had a colorful rant about work during lunch today, but your shift was too short for a lunch. Anyway, during the last two or so months you’d both been visited by your tormentors so many times that you basically just shared sympathetic sighs and ate in comfortable silence in the only peace and quiet you got. It’s never been quite this bad before. 

When you walk back onto the sales floor, you see Aradia lounging back in a chair playing on her phone. She doesn’t even bother to look up at you as she taps away at the keys and says “Hey Sollux, you should close up the doors.”

You sigh and do as your friend/manager tells you to. You also start helping Tavros run the clothes piled up in the fitting rooms back onto the floor. Somewhere during that time Aradia started counting money from the cash registers and doing whatever it was that managers did when the store closes. 

“Eridan came in yesterday.” Aradia starts as she counts money behind the counter. You notice out of the corner of your not-literal eye that she’s wearing small rubber booties, ones she’d started wearing to work regularly once she realized that Eridan was not going away any time soon. 

“Ugh, what else is new? That asshole comes in every day I work.” Your lisped words sound more like a groan than words. You hadn’t worked yesterday though; you’d just been scheduled to. Unfortunately, you’re a forgetful assfuck sometimes and you’d forgotten that your bipolar meds are something that you should be taking. And regularly. Between midterms, studying, homework, and actual paying work you’d forgotten a while ago and yesterday you couldn’t bother to drag your sorry ass out of bed all day. It took Aradia beating you upside the head after she got off work before you finally remedicated and got back to functional levels. If you forget one day, the next day was usually crushingly lethargic and filled with self-loathing and/or laziness so profound you’d forget to eat or sleep. You spend those days mostly in your bed trying to pour honey down your throat because you couldn’t actually eat it anymore and it was something you missed. 

“Yeah, true. He had a giant meltdown in the store ‘cause you weren’t here and the floor plan changed. Started yelling at everyone who got in his way.” 

“Geez, seriously? He’s so fucking psycho AA, I don’t know why Rufioh doesn’t ban him from even coming in. I don’t think he’s ever bought anything in the last two months and I’ve seen him every single time I work.”

“Yeah, I know, but it was pretty funny to watch him flip out.” She giggles with as she glances back down at her phone. There’s a small frown on her lips. “Hey Sollux, do you have your phone on you?”

“No AA, of course I don’t have my phone on me. I never do when I’m working. It’s called following the goddamn rules! Unlike some.” You make a pointed gesture towards the phone she was busy texting on. 

“Your girlfriend’s been trying to get ahold of you like all day.” Aradia says unperturbed by your accusation and with a smug sort of a look. 

“What? Why? FF knows I worked today and don’t have my phone.” It really was weird. Feferi never tried to get ahold of you at work. 

“Apparently, she’s getting some friends together this weekend and going to the movies and she wanted to make sure that you would be able to go. In her words, not mine: ‘Things had been reel quiet on the western shore and she hadn’t so much as heard a peep from you in three whale days!’ You worried her with your little episode yesterday, good job numbnuts, and now she’s texting me to make sure you’re still breathing and if you want to go to the movies with them. Us. I’m going too.”

“Oh. Shit. Fuck. God damn it. Let me go get my phone. I didn’t even think about yesterday.” You shuffle towards the break room grab your completely abandoned phone from your locker. There were a lot of texts you’d decided to ignore, some three days old. There were probably ten from Feferi, three from Karkat, and three from Aradia. (They were really the only people who talk to you much. Sure, you know other people but it’s not like you went out of your way to engage them.)

Katkat’s messages were the usual yelly format, concern hidden behind capslock that you’d have to know him pretty well to figure out. You know him pretty well. Aradia’s are similar, though the last one was an announcement of her impending arrival after work. Huh. So she did give you warning.

You sigh and scrolls through the ten Feferi had thrown in your direction. All of them basically say the same thing, mostly just bubbly (literally bubbly, she is rather nautical themed) greetings once every few hours until yesterday night when it finally dropped right into concern.

The most recent one reads:

  
SOOOLLUXXX I’ve B—E—EN informed by Aradia t) (at you’re actually fine. I’d R--E--ELY like to know if you’re coming to the movies t) (is W-E-EK-END!

You reply quickly.

To: FF  
 yeah 2ure ii’ll come with but only iif ii can bring kk  
2orry about worrying you ff

You’re a terrible fucking boyfriend, wow. You shove your phone into your pocket and head back down onto the sales floor to help finish up the close. She doesn’t reply until you’re almost done, saying little more than “Shore!” and “I ) (oped you’d bring Crabkat!” Cool, you’ll tell him he has plans this weekend. He probably wasn’t expecting to be doing anything other than work or school or whatever the fuck he gets down to with the constantly stoned clown. You figure since he’d probably be watching movies anyways, he’d definitely be down to come along. 

When you get home Equius is lounging around on his bed half asleep, his legs tucked neatly underneath his equine centaur body. You give a nod in his general direction before hopping into your chair and sitting in front of your desk. You don’t have very much there; it’s mostly just a large gaming desktop computer. 

What?! Yes, your head is a laptop but it’s not like you can just connect to the internet whenever you want. Your head still contains not much other than your fucking brain, you idiot. Anyway, who the fuck would just sit down and suggest typing away on somebody’s _HEAD?_ Sheesh. 

You open Pesterchum and wait for the barrage of capslock to assault your screen. Between his genuine concern for you and his homework you can guarantee that he is both online and extremely thankful that your little icon just turned yellow. 

\--  carcinoGenesist[CG] started pestering twinArmageddons[TA] at 23:37 ! --

 

CG: HEY, WHAT GIVES? I KNOW YOU SOMETIMES HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY OF A WRETRECHED INSUFFERABLE GROINSHIT, BUT YOU’RE USUALLY PRETTY GOOD ABOUT SHOWING UP AT THE VERY LEAST. SO ENGLIGHTEN ME, CAPTOR, WHAT *EXACTLY* CAUSED YOU TO FLIP OUT AND MISS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR MISERABLE DAY? I KNOW THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU ENJOY MORE.  
TA: hii two you two kk  
TA: glad to 2ee you were 2o worriied about my well beiing. ii’m flattered. hone2tly though ii ju2t mii22ed my med2 and couldn’t be bothered to move.  
CG: OH SHIT  
CG: FUCK  
CG: ARE YOU OK?? I MEAN YOU JUST HATED YOURSELF RIGHT? YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING STUPID, I MEAN STUPIDER THEN USUAL.  
CG: YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO HATE YOURSELF MORE THEN I DO THOUGH.  
TA: relax kk ii’m fiine. aa came over after her 2hift and ba2iically force fed me my piill2. iit wa2 really 2tupiidly endeariing.  
TA: al2o beiing biipolar totally doe2n’t work liike that so fuck you two.  
CG: MAYBE IF I TRY HARD ENOUGH AND THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS THE WORLD WILL SUDDENLY SWAY TO MY WILL AND SUDDENLY BEING BIPOLAR WILL BE MAGICAL SOLLUX. I’M THE MOST MOTHERFUCKING MAGICAL CREATURE TO EVER GRACE THIS GODDAMNED PLANET. IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE.  
TA: are you beliieviing iin miiracle2 two now kk becau2e iif you are ii am totally termiinatiing thii2 friiend2hip.  
CG: UGH NO FUCK THAT NOISE WITH AN IRREGULARLY SHAPED OBJECT.  
CG: YOU CHOOSE THE SHAPE I CAN'T THINK OF SHAPES.  
CG: I THINK MY BRAIN MIGHT LITERALLY BE DYING AT THIS EXACT MOMENT.  
CG: THAT MIGHT BE IT ON THE FLOOR.  
CG: NO WAIT, THAT'S JUST FAYGO SWILL.  
CG: GROSS.  
TA: wiill you 2hut the fuck up for fiive 2econds kk ii actually have a poiint to thii2 conver2atiion.  
CG: SOLLUX IT'S FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND DISGUSTING.  
CG: I SWEAR SOMETHING EXPLODED.  
TA: ii'm 2eriiou2 kk 2hut up. ii came onliine two tell you that you are goiing two the moviie2 thii2 weekend.  
CG: I'M WHAT?  
TA: goiing two the moviies.  
CG: FUCK THAT I'VE GOT SHIT TO DO.  
TA: no you don't and we both know that.  
CG: CAPTOR I AM LITERALLY DROWNING IN SHITTY FAYGO AND COMPUTER CODE FOR THE NEXT HOWEVER LONG SEMESTER IS.  
CG: WHAT MOVIE IS IT?  
TA: oh jeez, thii2 ii2 about how 2hitty you are at code ii2n't iit. fear not, ii wiill help you.  
TA: ii don't fuckiing know, ff iinviited me and ii told her ii wa2n't going unle22 ii could briing you.  
CG: HOW MAGNANIMOUS OF YOU. I'M ASTOUNDED CAPTOR, YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO GET A GUY.  
TA: 2hut the fuck up kk  
CG: GO FIND OUT WHAT FUCKING MOVIE'S PLAYING.  
TA: ii'll ask ff

\--  twinArmageddons[TA] is now an Idle chum ! --

You take a brief moment to open up your phone and text Feferi. Apparently there’s a special reshowing of _Pitch Perfect_ she wants to see. What the fuck is _Pitch Perfect?_

TA: ff 2ay2 iit'2 2ome moviie tiitled piitch perfect.  
CG: WHAT, REALLY? YOU'RE GOING TO SEE PITCH PERFECT?  
CG: DON’T ACTUALLY ANSWER THAT BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS YES.  
CG: YOU'RE GOING TO SEE PITCH PERFECT  
CG: IT TURNS OUT I HAVE TIME TO SPARE TO GO WATCH A MOVIE WITH YOU CAPTOR.  
TA: lmao ok 2ee you at lunch kk. ii knew you wouldn't let me down.  
CG: NO HOLD UP BULGELICK YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.  
CG: THE ANSWER IS NO AND YOU'RE JUST AN ASSHOLE SO SIT THE FUCK BACK DOWN.  
TA: oh riight... homework help. ok ok, 2hoot me your fiirst problem.

You spend the next what has to be several hours slogging through your friend’s homework. He’s terrible at this computer science shit. You’re pretty sure he knows it too, and you know lots of people have told him he’s bad at it just in case he couldn’t figure it out. You just do your best to help him because you know how prideful he is, and that he totally won’t be willing to switch majors any time soon. Plus, it gets you some favors.

The remainder of your night is pretty quiet. It’s about two in the morning when you finish up your own work and realize that it’s probably a good idea to crash. Equius has been asleep since about elven thirty, which is actually pretty late for him. The dude’s got a weirdly strict bed time. 

You change and scale up the ladder, sleeping in the top bunk because of obvious reasons. (Cough, your roommate is a centaur how the fuck would he even get on the top bunk, cough.) You close your face when it’s time to officially power down. Closing the laptop probably doesn’t do anything but it’s a habit you’ve just picked up since going through the change. You’ve been told that while you’re sleeping your screen will gradually open back up and show little .GIFsets of your dreams, so closing the screen really doesn’t do jack shit according to them. You’ve always tried to write it off as an awful coincidence that people you sleep around always seem to be exactly right about whatever it was you were dreaming about, but you can’t help but admit that it’s probably a thing your head totally does. It really doesn’t surprise you though, considering how hard you have to try to not let your emotions literally play out across your face. 

The next morning (you’re using the term loosely as you don’t wake up until about two in the afternoon, your class doesn’t start until 3), you’re woken up by Equius knocking something over with his large black horse behind. 

“Fiddlesticks,” he says through gritted teeth turning around to pick up the crap he just knocked off his nightstand. He turns towards you for a brief moment before blushing and looking away frantically. 

“What is it, Zahhak?” you hum idly before sitting up and placing your palms on your spine and stretching. Your back lets out a bunch of small snapping noises and you sigh contentedly. 

“Oh Sollux, you’re… Awake.” His words puff out through heavy breaths, beads of sweat forming on the top of his forehead. He’s seriously even more nerve wracked than usual, which is saying something. He’s usually out on Wednesdays, doing whatever it is he does when he doesn’t have class.

“You seem even more full of sexual frustration than usual.” You dribble out. Your lisp a lot heavier than usual when you’re not fully awake, and you’re definitely not fully awake yet. You haven’t even noticed the massive boner you’ve got going on yet, jeez.

Equius goes a little pink the cheeks and probably a little bit hot under the collar before he speaks. “You were playing some exceptionally lewd images this morning Captor. Having to do with…. Fish-men.” He goes really quiet during that last word, as if it was a personal embarrassment. You don’t bother to wonder what’s going through his head though, you’re way too busy with realizing that were having a completely dirty dream about Eridan fucking Ampora, the fishfaced fuck. Shit.

Right as you’re having this realization there is a loud noise as Zahhak plants his ass onto the carpet, sweating profusely. “I… need a towel.” How gross and… disturbing.

You’re on your first bus to class when it actually hits you just what happened back there. You immediately slam your screen closed as involuntary images of horse boners flash rapid-fire across your face. Much to your dismay, there was a poor girl whose eyes land on your screen at precisely the wrong time. She promptly shrieks and looks away, barking something about how grossly inappropriate that kind of imagery is. You stammer something along the lines of sorry, but it’s really lispy and you doubt she even understood you. When you reach your stop you skitter off the bus as quickly as possible, trying to avoid any further embarrassment.

The rest of your week goes off with fewer surprises and you silently thank heaven and the lord for not giving you anymore dirty dreams about Eridan. Where the fuck did that one even come from? You guess it came from intense frustration that the wires accidentally crossed with sexytimes? It’s stupid and you don’t get it. Your relationship with your roommate is noticeably more strained in the days that follow.

Eventually Saturday comes and it’s time for you to go meet up with Karkat and head to the theater to meet up with Feferi and whoever else she’s decided to drag along. 

You arrive at Karkat’s apartment a couple hours before you’re supposed to meet up at the theater. Gamzee, your ex roommate and Karkat’s current one, answers the door. He seems genuinely thrilled to see you.

“Solbro! You up and came over to our humble little abode. It’s so motherfucking nice to see you, motherfucker!” He says, with his voice doing this thing that dips in and out of loudness. He’s totally fucked out of his mind. You’re not even slightly surprised to see Tavros sitting at their kitchen table. You figure he’s probably over here more then he’s back at his place chilling with his obnoxious brother. 

“Yeah, hey Gamzee, it’s been awhile.” You let an idle smiley emoticon play onto your screen. “Where’s KK at?” Gamzee gives you a super bony ass hug as you step into the room, looking around. Jeez, could that guy have any more sharp edges? He’s got long unruly black hair that gives him literally no fluffy edges and a large fin down his back. And he’s got hoofed feet. It’s not like Aradia, paired with a furry bottom half, it’s unsightly and completely unsettling when you first look at it as humanoid legs just graft into hooves. His sharp teeth only barely manage not to look threatening and his dark skin is discolored in a way that could be taken as greenish black that’s only highlighted by his stupid white clown facepaint. He’s got fins on the sides of his arms and smells faintly of brine, which is about the usual for keplies.

What? Of course you can fucking smell! It’s not that impossible. Oh come on, just don’t fucking question it at this point. It’s probably one of those things that just carried over from when you were actually considered, ya know, “human.” Of course no one is really human, this is a society made up entirely of monsters. Well, after you go through puberty anyway. You were kind of a late bloomer, but you knew at least a little bit before hand that you were going to lose your head. It'd been getting pretty hard to keep it in place, so it didn't really surprise you when one random day in the fall of your Sophomore year of high school your head fell off. Literally just, fell off and was dead lying there. You knew you weren't a dullahan because nothing hurt, that's just how things were. One kid with an older sister you knew was a dullahan did remark, in a perfect deadpan around his mouthful of misshapen fangs, "At least it's not screaming." Then one day, a few weeks after you’d been going around totally headless, you were just drawn to this random ass laptop some guy was using on the bus, next thing you knew it was floating in place where your head should’ve been. It probably upset the poor sap who lost the computer. 

Look, this is kind of a long story and upon further thought you don’t really have time to explain it right now. 

Gamzee came out of his cocoon as a kelpie, which is to say if you ever get the crazy juggalo clown wet… It’s a whole lot better if you just don’t. Don’t invite him out to go swimming, don’t go near him if he decides he needs a shower, and don’t even think about introducing him to Mr. Fishfaced Fuckhead. Just please don’t get the clown wet. Let’s just say it’s a… sobering experience. Lucky for you, you hate water. It doesn’t agree with your personal monsterfication. Look, you really don’t want a damaged computer for a head; you’ve seen how that fucks with your brother. 

Karkat finally comes out from a hallway in the back, hair visibly damp and towel dried. “Hey assfuck, let’s get this train wreck on the road.” He waves back towards Gamzee as he leaves, reminding him to not go into Karkat’s bathroom, the one with the shower that’s currently damp all over.

And then the two of you are in your car and headed towards the movie theater. You rarely drive anywhere, seeing as you live in a city that has probably the worst chance of getting a parking spot in the history of ever, but walking there just wasn’t a pleasant option. It was just too fucking far away from Karkat’s apartment. You don’t understand how he could stand living so far away from the school campus and work. With an inward shrug you stop the car a little prematurely, getting out in front of a convenience store because fuck getting snacks at a theater. 

You walk inside the store, Karkat quickly heading to the candy aisle to get some kind sugar-choked snack or something and then probably pairing it with an equally sugary drink. You settle for slinking into the electronics aisle, perusing their selection of digital edibles (you can’t actually eat, remember, but there are CDs with downloadable information that gives computer-head havers like you a reminder of the taste of certain foods) and picking out a cd marked ‘honey sticks.’ You’re still not over the fact that you can’t just eat a fucking spoonful of honey. You vaguely realize you could totally eat up gigs worth of information right now, but settle on the snack anyway. 

When Karkat comes back over you take one look at the shit in his arms and sneer. “Really KK, candy corn? It’s not fucking Halloween, and what- is that raw cookie dough? Did you just buy a thing of raw fucking cookie dough?”

He shoots you a disapproving glare and slurps down a pointed gulp of blue raspberry-flavored icee. You honestly have no idea how that mixture of flavors could even possibly sound appetizing. Even when you could eat you’re pretty sure you’d think that was nasty as fuck. 

“Oh, stuff it you fucktard of asinine proportions. Candy corn is great any time of the year. And Halloween was last week, it hasn’t been so long that people are banned from indulging in crappy delicious leftover sugar triangles! And yes, I wanted some god damn cookie dough! It’s astronomically better than those stupid cookie dough bites they sell at the theater and even though that’s here and less expensive I’m going to fucking buy the real goddamned thing and you can’t fucking stop me.” He glares at you through the entirety of his monologue, closing his arms around his loot defensively.

You decide ultimately not to say anything more about his candy corn, even though you’re dying to make a sarcastic comment about the size. You silently hope he doesn’t try to eat the whole thing in one sitting. You finally head back to the car.

**== > Sollux: Get to the theater already!**

It takes you about thirty minutes to find a parking spot as you expected, but you finally park a little ways down the street and walk towards a small group of people gathering at the front entrance of the theater. You know it’s your group; you recognize at least three of them instantly.

Your girlfriend bounds over to you with a poignant skip in her step, as excited as if she hasn’t seen you in weeks. It really has been awhile. She pulls you down into a long winded hug and plants a sickly sweet kiss directly onto your monitor. You can feel her soft lips touching the screen and it sends shivers through your body. You silently loathe yourself just a little, wishing that you could passionately kiss her back with lips of your own. 

“Hey FF…” You breathe quietly into her ear.

She bursts into a small series of giggles, looking at you with wide fuchsia eyes. God, your girlfriend’s a gorgeous model. She’s got long almond colored hair that waterfalls down her back in waves, mocha colored skin, and features that could be taken as sharp. The permanent small fuchsia freckles on her shoulders and across the bridge of her nose are adorable, not that you’d ever say that out loud. She has large pointed fins protruding where her ears would be and little gills on the side of her throat that flutter with every breath. 

Feferi is a mermaid who’s no stranger to phasing her tail into a pair of legs for everyday use. She’s so much better at the whole “fishfolk on land” thing then a certain douche that comes into your store way too often. She pulls away from you grinning from ear to ear as she ushers you towards the group that now had Karkat in their ranks. You suppose he’d walked over and ignored you when Feferi had stopped you in your tracks. He’s chattering with Kanaya, who you’re actually kind of surprised to see here.

Standing next to those two is a girl with white blond hair. She’s got a petite frame and she’s wearing a long black dress with some evil purple squiddle on it. Or at least, you think it’s an evil purple squiddle. She’s wearing black lipstick, which stands out starkly against her ghostly pale skin. It’s dusted with lavender freckles that complement the gills on her neck. She doesn’t have the fins sticking out in place of her ears, so though you’re certain she’s a fishfolk from the gills you have no idea exactly what kind of fishgirl she is. You also don’t really know who the fuck she is.

Vaguely to their left stands a taller girl with long ass black braids that you recognize as Feferi’s older sister, Meenah. You’d met her a few times at Feferi’s place when she invited you over; the two live together in this huge fucking mansion place out in the high class rich end of town. She’s got the same complexion and fish bits as her sister but her face angles so much more. She’s wearing pink glasses and grinning with sharp teeth. You honestly didn’t expect her to be here either.

And then there’s Aradia, standing somewhat near the front of this group and chatting with Feferi, who gravitated back to her side after leaving you. They’re smirking in your general direction. Aradia and Feferi are actually pretty close friends, which is less than ideal for you on the surface considering Aradia is your ex and Feferi is your current girlfriend. How could that even possibly be any weirder then it already is? Well, Aradia could have brought her boyfriend along. Her boyfriend who is your roommate. You’ve been on pretty strained terms with Equius since earlier in the week. He’s mostly just been avoiding you.

There’s one guy left here that you haven’t placed yet. He’s been staring at you wide-eyed since you got here, clad in black and blue pinstriped pants with a matching scarf that looks vaguely familiar. It takes you an embarrassing full two minutes before it finally clicks as to who the guy standing in front of you is. It isn’t his dumb ray-bans or the stupid Aquarius shirt that makes it click. It’s the assholish purple streak of hair he has directly up the center of his head, still styled in that common hipster haircut that has his hair swept back and held in place with hair gel.

You are fucking staring at Eridan fucking Ampora. You are standing with him outside of the theater, with three of your closest friends, your girlfriend, an acquaintance and a girl you’ve never met. He’s not in an obnoxious bubble of water reminiscent of a floating fish tank. He’s not floating around whining about something not fitting right, or setting things down in the wrong location. For a minute, you’re so pissed off just by his presence that you’re absolutely astonished you don’t walk over to him and deck him in the face for all the trouble he’s caused you. You think for about two minutes that you could totally get away with just decking him without much consequence when Feferi speaks up.

“Ok! Introduction time!”

Kanaya speaks up first, introducing the blond fish girl as Rose, her girlfriend that she’s glad more people were finally getting the chance to meet. It made sense, seeing as it’s been awhile since she has seen any of you guys. Well, all of you except for Karkat, who’s pretty good friends with her and probably saw her. Then Feferi introduces her older sister, who’s settled in an all-knowing smirk that’s vaguely foreboding, like she totally foresees exactly how this evening is going to go. Lastly, Feferi introduces Eridan to Karkat and Rose. It seems by some sort of hijinks he already knows Kanaya. You really don’t want to think about it too much at this point. He also must’ve mentioned to Feferi that he knows you, because she doesn’t try to reintroduce you guys.

“What, you’re not going to introduce him to me?” Meenah drawls out around a grin.

Feferi frowns at her sister as she confusedly says, “You already know him.”

“No I don’t.” Meenah’s grin actually manages to get wider, which shouldn’t be possible around her shark teeth.

Feferi introduces Eridan to her warily, to which is immediately followed by an “INTRODUCTORY DOG PILE!!” announcement and you get to watch in near-sadistic glee as Meenah attempts to tackle Eridan to the ground. You love Meenah as much as she terrifies the shit out of you.

You make your way into the theater, naturally falling towards the back of the group. Eridan instinctively slinks towards you, trying to match your pace. You growl under your breath as he gets close.

With some sort of sharply honed Bullshit Instinct, Karkat whips around and gives you his best glare, barking something along the lines of “Oh no you don’t, Captor! We came here to watch Pitch Perfect. You practically drug me along to watch Pitch Perfect. We are going to watch Pitch Perfect. I don’t even care what other shit baked corpse erections are with us this point! We’re watching that movie! So you will put that growl you just made right back into your throat, Sollux Captor, or so help me god!”

You aren’t cowed in the least, but Meenah’s laughing this full and throaty laugh with a wide grin made of serrated fangs. She then dubs Karkat as Shouty for the rest of the night, proclaiming loudly that she definitely knows who she’s sitting next to during the movie, nudge nudge wink wink oh don’t give me that look Shouty it’ll be great.

While in the snack line for sea-salted popcorn (Feferi and Eridan insisted, and they’re going to share) Feferi chirps out that she wants to sit next to Aradia and nobody can stop her! You have this small little voice in the back of your CPU that’s whispering that they’re probably plotting something, they’re known to do that together, but you’re actually powerless in the face of your girlfriend and your ex combined.

It ends up that you’ve got Karkat on your left and, of all people, Eridan on your right. You would have taken Feferi on your other side, or Aradia, or basically literally anybody other than Eridan sitting next to you. Unfortunately, you had to piss right as you all sat down and when you came back everyone was in a completely different seating order and totally unwilling to budge. You’d initially been between Aradia and Karkat but you guess they decided to play musical chairs in your absence and you got the short end of the stick. You thought for a minute it maybe would’ve been better to sit on the end, next to Rose or Meenah, but you completely ditch that thought in seconds. Rose makes you nervous and Meenah has a face full of sharp teeth. The former is unnervingly quiet, as though she was memorizing, and if she does speak ever it’s always pointed in a way that makes it sounds like she’s efficiently getting into your head. Meenah quite frankly just scares the shit out of you. You’re dating her little sister, it comes with the territory. 

You accept your defeat and end up sitting dejectedly in between Karkat and Eridan.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan and Sollux make some interesting progress! They even go on a date! Not that Sollux even knows it's a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Welp the editing for the second part is FINALLY done! It's taken awhile... but I hope it will be worth it!! We've started editing part 3 the whole of the writing has been finished for quite some time. The second fic is part way through, that's Kitten's writing. This is mine (Kera) I am faster then she is so when it gets to editing the second fic, it should be posted fairly fast, but alas we still have to edit the last part of this one! I hope you enjoy this chapter! I thought it was hilarious. Enjoy!! ~ oh also! before I forget you can get a hold of me and Kitten on tumblr and also look at some art we've done for the fic! 
> 
> http://keramoondust.tumblr.com/ is me!  
> http://yourartistickitten.tumblr.com/ is Kitten! ^^
> 
> feel free to ask questions or talk to us or like... yeah anything. =3

**== > Sollux: Watch Pitch Perfect. **

Yeah, that’s easier said than done! This movie is awful, or- well, you think it might be based on what you’ve actually been able to pay attention to. Karkat, of course, praises it like the sun, his eyes glistening in the light of the screen to your left. You figure it must be funny because several of your friends have giggled, you think you even heard Rose bark out a quick laugh at some point. 

You’re having difficulty paying attention, though. During the course of the movie you realize that you’re basically on Karkat’s lap. It’s probably pretty comical to look at, but you know you’re here because you’re trying your damndest to scoot as far away from Eridan as possible. In turn, he’s pointedly leaning in towards you and basically he’s in your seat with you, using his long arms to reach over and pull popcorn out of the container Feferi’s got. You’re not the only one paying limited attention, though. You notice Feferi and Aradia were barely paying attention to the movie themselves, instead snickering at rather inappropriate times to whatever hushed whispers they’re passing back and forth. God, that makes you nervous.

Meenah had also made herself real friendly with Karkat’s lap, leaning into him and eating his candy corn. You note that she definitely didn’t ask. Karkat’s expression is one of long suffering pain, jaw locked up tight as he tries desperately to pay attention to the movie. You know he was probably really excited to come see it. You feel a little bad for the guy and pull a little ways back into your seat, only to jump when you realize you’ve basically just sat in Eridan’s lap. 

Feferi giggles at you and you hiss a curse in Eridan’s direction. He’s a little visibly cowed, slinking back towards his seat a little as Karkat turns towards you with the meanest glare you’ve ever seen on his face. He doesn’t say anything, but you can tell if he wasn’t in a movie theater surrounded by at least fifty other people he’d be screaming. You can’t really tell if Meenah is watching the movie; you think she’s mostly watching you guys instead and sending toothy grins at her sister. She keeps laughing at the appropriate movie moments though, so it’s honestly really hard to tell.

You are completely certain Kanaya’s pointedly ignoring the rest of you and actually enjoying the movie with Rose. They’re sipping a drink from a water bottle they had stashed in Kanaya’s purse.

The next two hours of your life proceed in this obtrusive mix of pointed glares from Karkat, awkward bumps from Eridan, giggles from Aradia and Feferi, and fang-filled grins from Meenah. You kind of feel bad for Rose and Kanaya for having to deal with this fiasco of a movie date. 

When the movie finally ends, the eight of you walk towards the exit in various levels of irritated. Karkat looks sufficiently prickled, muttering to himself under his breath about the unappreciative assholes he dares to call friends. Meenah’s patting him on the back as she walks beside him, waxing poetic in her own way about how _funny_ she thinks her little sister’s friends are, routinely assuring Karkat that he is, in fact, her favorite.

You’ve had enough of this train wreck by the time you get back out to the parking lot and pull Feferi to the side. She’s obviously been up to something ever since she started giggling with Aradia, and you have the determination in mind to figure out what that something is. 

“FF, what the hell was that back there? You didn’t even watch the movie!” 

“Relax Sollux, I’ve seen that movie like a hundred times.” She bubbles back at you, completely unperturbed by the angry face emoticon on your screen. 

“Maybe, but way to disturb everyone else in the theater FF.” You retort, trying to hold your expression. Wait a second, you’re getting off point here. “Well, what were you and AA even giggling about?”

“Oh, whatever, I just thought it was funny the way you and Eridan kept bumping into each other is all!” She said, smiling at you with a playful challenge in her eyes. 

“Fuck that guy FF, you have no idea what that tool has done to me at work for the past two months. How do you even know him!?”

“Eridan and I grew up together Sollux! Don’t you remember anything?! I’ve told you about him like… five hundred times.” She says with a strange smirk falling onto her fuchsia-painted lips. You are almost positive Feferi has never mentioned Eridan before tonight. “I knew Eridan since I was little, even before I went through the change!” She says with a giggle.

“Well, that’s the fish I’ve been telling you about who keeps coming into my store and fucking shit up. He’s fucking batshit, FF. What person in their right mind thinks doing that to any poor sap that has to work retail is ok?!” 

She simply giggles. “Oh come on, Sollux I’m sure it’s not that bad. Eridan means well, in his way. I mean, he only started going into your store to keep you company after I showed him a picture of you!” 

“You did _what_?” You say, realizing that the source of your entire plight at work for the last two months is none other than your girlfriend. You feel like you’ve been swept off your feet, and honestly you probably have been, by a gorgeous mermaid girl with giggles in her throat but oh the betrayal.

“Oh come on Sollux, you’re being melodramatic and we’re being rude. Let’s go back.” She says, her voice little more than a whine. You’re ushered back in the general direction of the group with another lipsticky kiss on your monitor and you suddenly realize you’ve probably got two fuchsia lip marks on your face. You’re not really sure if you guys are planning to do anything next or if you will just disburse and head back to your original places of residence. 

You walk back over, noticing Meenah engaged in conversation with Karkat. It seems like a one sided conversation, mostly with just her talking at him while he just stands there awkwardly. You think he might be ignoring the look on her face that reads somewhere along the lines of “I’m going to devour you alive.” You don’t get involved. Kanaya and Rose are doing… well, it seems like chaste things now, light kisses along her gills, but her face is flushed a dark jade and you wonder what they’d managed to smuggle into the theater. Feferi quickly has rejoins Aradia in giggling about whatever they spent the entire movie discussing and you’re left to stand awkwardly at the side of the group. 

You beg silently and also to no avail that Eridan won’t notice you’re not engaged with anyone and walk over to you. However, much to your dismay, that’s exactly what, happens. Eridan comes over to you with a weird kind of uncertainty in his step.

“Hey Sol!” Eridan’s got this sterile chipper tone going on, as if he couldn’t possibly imagine that he had done anything wrong in the history of ever.

You grit your metaphorical teeth. “Hi Eridan,” You force back.

“How did you like the movie? I thought it was great! Super funny and everythin’–”

You recognize immediately that Eridan’s running his mouth for no other reason than to run his mouth. This immediately grinds your gears the wrong way.

“Yeah I wasn’t paying attention to it very much.” You snap pointedly in his direction. You have no idea what’s on your face but it’s probably not flattering, if his look is anything to go by.

“What? You act like that’s my fault. I just wanted to share little tidbits about the movie, you kept scootin’ away.”

You find yourself weighing the options on how good of an idea it would it be for you to simply punch him in the face or blow up at him. So far you decide you better keep it civil. 

“I wasn’t really interested in what you had to say.” You quip back.

Eridan looks personally affronted.

“Oh jeez Sol, you’re so bitter! Right now here about the movie, and every time I’m in your store you have the colon-parenthesis smiley on and now that I see you out here it’s obvious that it’s a forced face. I go out of my way to visit you, ya know! The least you could do is be happy to see me.” Eridan scoffs.

“You always make a giant mess of the store.” You point out to him.

“Oh, whatever. It’s not that big of a deal. Plus, it’s your job to clean it up. Right?” Eridan declares and, at that moment, whatever cons to blowing up at Eridan there happened to be aren’t in your mind anymore.

“Oh Jesus FUCK Eridan, get over yourself! You _always_ swim into my store all high and mighty like you’re the hottest shit anyone’s ever seen. You come in with your stupid fucking water bubble and make the entire store wet! Everything is always soaked, and you know what? Guess who has to clean that shit!? Did you guess me? If you did, then ding-ding-ding! You’re a FUCKING winner! Don’t even get me started on the shoes and other merchandise you’ve completely _ruined_. It may come as a surprise to you, but not everything in the fucking store is waterproof! And why? Because you always insist that you only come on land with your goddamn bubble and yet!! Yet! Look, here the FUCK you are! Completely using human legs and without the aid of the fucking god awful water! Holy shit MAGIC IS FUCKING REAL. It pisses me off so FUCKING much Eridan, I don’t think you can even fathom! Don’t even get me started on the whole ‘you never FUCKING buy ANYTHING! Are you fucking shitting me? You make me sit through trial after trial, trying to figure out which thing you like the best and then you always abandon it before you get to the cash registers! You’re like my own personal form of torment! Oh you hate yourself Sollux?! Not nearly enough! Here, let’s make your day way a metric SHITTON worse by adding this asshole to your daily routine! Fuck I just. I _never_ want to see your ugly mug in my store, or my _life_ , again!!”

God, usually it’s Karkat who has the giant flaming blowouts. Eridan’s looking at you in complete and utter shock, as if he’s unable to wrap his brain around any of things he’s done wrong since meeting you.

At about this point you realize everybody’s staring at you. Meenah’s smiling with all of her teeth, laughing, throwing candy corn into her mouth. She looks like she’s about to slow clap at you as she leans on Karkat. She doesn’t get the chance, however, because you’re storming off and snatching Karkat by the arm as you stalk in the direction of your car. He sputters in your grasp, shouting his chumhandle back at Meenah as you drag him away. Apparently they’re friends now, what the shit ever. 

You strap yourself into the driver’s seat and Karkat sits down beside you almost sullenly.

“Well, that was fun.” He mutters quietly, or at least you think he mutters. He could just be grumbling and you’re making shit up.

You throw a hand in his direction anyway, snapping out “KK, I am so not in the goddamn mood.”

The car ride goes by in awkward silence. You’re fuming the entire way. At one point Karkat makes a halfhearted attempt to snack, realizes that the plastic is too loud, and abandons that endeavor as quickly as he started it. He won’t look at your face, staring out the window instead, and you have to wonder what’s up on your screen.

You drop Karkat off at home and mutter something along the lines of you’ll talk to him later. You also thank him for coming with you, despite the shitty time he obviously had. 

**== >Sollux: Go to work**

It was a couple days after your freak out at the movie theaters when you were headed to your first shift of work since. Your stomach twists itself into knots as you walk briskly towards the mall. Unfortunately, the twenty minute walk lasted no longer than usual. You walk in to see Aradia behind the cash register, acting as if nothing had happened at the theaters and it’s a totally normal work day. You’re thankful that she’s not the type to pick around in your brain.

You spend your entire shift on your toes, waiting for Eridan to show his stupid face and demand ludicrous things of you as usual.

Hours later, you close up the store without any events and you feel the rigid nervousness crawl back out of your spine. He actually listened. You go about your close and whistle merrily, reveling in that wonderful feeling. Tavros is way too willing to join in on that though, so you decide pretty quickly not to do that anymore. 

The next shift goes off basically in much the same way. You walk in with your hair on end and left feeling elated because he hadn’t come in. You find yourself settling back into a routine of too many customers (never quite as rude as Eridan), class, lunch, and life.

You feel like you’d finally gotten rid of Eridan Ampora, your own personal demon, until one evening about a week after the movie theater incident. You’re just sitting in your dorm room working on homework (theoretically) when a chumhandle you don’t recognize pops up on your screen. 

\--  caligulasAquarium[CA] started pestering twinArmageddons[TA] at 22:16 ! --

CA: hey sol  
CA: its eridan and uh ivve been talkin to fef  
CA: and kan  
CA: and kar  
CA: apparently wwhat i did wwas really really wwrong  
CA: i dont really understand wwhat exactly wwhat i did wwrong  
CA: but i wwas really hoping youd forgivve me and let me back into the store  
TA: go away ii’m two bu2y for thii2 2hiit riight now

\-- twinArmageddons[TA] ceased pestering caliguslasAquarium[CA] at 22:20 ! –

You spend the next week or so coming home to walls of text from Eridan Ampora spilled across your screen. Each conversation is short, mostly just consisting of Eridan routinely making an ass out of himself begging for your forgiveness.

It feels good.

**== >**

On a day you were scheduled for the morning shift you wander into work to see Rufioh behind the cash register instead of Aradia. He gives you a crooked smile and waves you off towards the Greet. He says you’re the best greeter in the entire store. To be completely honest you’re probably the worst one in the entire store, but you’re not going to argue with the man who personally signs your checks. You spend the majority of the day with smiley plastered on your screen, welcoming people in with some flashy graphic pulled out of all the fucks you don’t give and telling everybody all about whatever sales you have going on.

Lunch comes and you head downstairs, dropping your scrawny ass onto the table you always meet Karkat at. Surprisingly, he’s already here.

“Yo, KK.”

Karkat looks you dead on. “Talk to Eridan.”

Your immediate confusion gives way to an anger that crawls up to your shoulders. “What?! No, fuck that guy, he’s an asshole.”

“If you don’t talk to him Sollux, then I have to deal with him! It was funny for maybe the first day and a half at best. Just… Talk to him.”

“How did he even get ahold of you??” You’re actually a little more than confused about that, though in retrospect he did say he was talking to “kar.”

“He heard me shout my chumhandle at Meenah as you were dragging me away.” A pointed glare. “Just talk to Eridan so he’ll stop whining like a diseased puppycat about how he fucked up with you, _god_!” 

You leave lunch a little confused. You’re actually starting to miss Eridan’s presence in your store a little bit. It’s not like you really want him to come back or anything, but you realize slowly as you ascend the stairs that your shifts went by so quickly when you have one person to eat up your time instead of five hundred throwing you around between them all.

The rest of your shift is less than interesting. You spend it folding clothes and idly chatting with customers that have to be complete idiots, feeling as though it’s lasting even longer than usual. It’s over eventually though, because it has to be, but you’re not allowed to leave. Right before you’re about to walk right out the door, Rufioh flags you over to the cash register.

“Yo, Sollux, can I speak to you in my office?” He asks, backing away from the counter.

You immediately remember everything you’ve done wrong ever over the last year you’ve worked there. You’re certain whatever you’re definitely in trouble for couldn’t be half as bad as what Tavros has done and absolutely won’t get you fired, so that’s good for y-

Oh god you can’t get fired! You need your job to pay for _things_. Your family can’t put you through school. Who are you kidding!? They’re too busy paying for yours and Mituna’s medical bills! You’re freaking out. There’s probably fifty frantic .GIFs of various people and stick figures losing their shit on your screen. 

You attempt to calm yourself before heading towards the direction Rufioh went. As KK would say, shooshpapping your rumblespheres (whatever the fuck that means). 

When you walk inside behind him he motions towards a seat for you. His fairy wings are beating slowly as he drags a hand through spiked black and red hair. “It’s ok, I just want to chat. You don’t have to look so frazzled.”

You get yourself into check and sit your ass down, working hard to keep your face relatively impassive. “Alright what do you wanna talk about?” 

“So, I just wanted to ask if you had any idea where your siren friend has been these past couple of weeks.”

The expression-via-.GIF on your face is completely dumbfounded. He’s seriously asking you about Eridan fucking Ampora??

“Uh. We kinda got into a fight about how he keeps wrecking things in the store. I sort of yelled at him and told him not to come here anymore?” There’s a question mark emote on your screen. Faces don’t actually do that, so it’s a perk of having a computer for a head. You kind of feel a little smug about that. 

“Now why on earth would you do that?!” Rufioh exclaims with genuine shock.

“I’m a little confused.” Understatement of the year. “He comes in the store, wrecks everything and never buys shit. Why would you care if he hasn’t been coming around the last couple weeks? If anything I thought you’d be happy he’s gone.” 

Rufioh makes a noise that sounds something like a stifled giggle and shakes his head at you. “Yeah, he never buys anything when you’re in working, on the account of you up and distracting him, but whenever he comes in and you’re not working – which is pretty often I will say – he spends about four thousand bucks all on his own. He’s like our most loyal and highest paying customer, yo.”

It hits you then that dumb scarf he was wearing at the movies was the exact scarf he asked for before. He actually bought the goddamn thing. You imagine Eridan Ampora swimming into your store and buying every scarf of that color in stock. You snort; yeah, he’d definitely be dumb enough to do that. It’s the only way you can fathom someone spending four thousand dollars in one store. He must have enough fucking dough to wipe his aquatic ass with hundreds.

“How does he even manage to spend that much money? What, does he do buy every single scarf we have in stock?” 

“Well, yeah. Kind of? I don’t really care what he’s buyin’ just that he’s buyin’ shi- stuff. He comes up the register holding so much stuff pretty regularly, but it’s been like three weeks since he’s bought anything and without him it’s pretty hard to fill our daily quota. I’m runnin’ a business here and we have numbers that we gotta keep up with.”

You’re a bit dumbfounded. What, it’s not like you’ll go out of business with him or anything? You are large store smack dab downtown and you get lots of people filtering through your doors daily. (You’re not going to say that you feel a little guilty.)

“I didn’t realize he was such a big part of business.” You mumble, not really wanting to admit you’re wrong. Who would want to?

“Well whatever. I just want him to come back here and unload all his cash. We had a nice thing goin’ and I feel kinda blindsided that you just told him not to come in anymore.” Rufioh rolls his eyes, probably barely holding back a scoff. “You know you’re not losin’ your job or anything, but you should talk him into coming back. My store misses his wallet. The way he spends is straight up bangarang!” (You wince at the outdated slang that probably never caught on to begin with.)

“Uhh. Yeah, sure. I guess I’ll ask him to come back in or whatever.” God damn it. You have Rufioh and Karkat on your case about this bullfuckery. 

“You should probably apologize while you’re at it, on behalf of yourself and Boy Skylark Outfitters for stopping our favorite customer from shoppin’ here.” Rufioh says lifting a hand up to scratch his neck.

“Uh. Sure, I’ll apologize or something.” Nope, you’re not going to apologize, it’s bad enough you’re actually thinking about talking to him. What, no you’re not! You’re not thinking about it. Okay, you’re kind of thinking about it. Rufioh is your boss and you think he might notice if nothing changes, but you won’t say you’re sorry. What he did was not excusable just because he spends thousands at BSO. You still had to go through all that shit. 

“Alright well…you’re off. So talk to your fish friend and get him back into our store!” Rufioh motions for you to leave his office with a small smirk. You adjust your shit, grab your coat, and you’re off.

You walk home. When you get there, you contemplate messaging Eridan. Maybe you’ll let him explain himself and actually listen to an apology or two or twenty thousand. (He’s got to be even more emotional than Karkat, and that’s saying something. Not that you’re going to every say anything like that around Karkat or anybody else because the tiny demon will actually gut you.)

You ultimately decide that since you really have nothing better to do you’ll hop onto pesterchum and… have a chat with Eridan? You’ll try to decide if he’s actually worthy of an apology for your blow out at the theaters. (You still think he totally deserved that though.) He’s online when you log in, of course, and because he’d stopped immediately messaging you the minute you came online you open up a chat.

\-- twinArmageddons[TA] started pestering at caligulasAquarium[CA] at 17:09 ! --

TA: yo eriidan iit ha2 come to my attentiion that ii am kiind of beiing an a22hole  
TA: so iill liisten to what you have to 2ay now iif you want  
CA: wwait  
CA: wwait  
CA: sol did you just message me first  
TA: ye2 that ii2 a thiing ii ju2t diid  
TA: look ii am tryiing to be niice for once iin my miiserable liife  
TA: take iit or leave iit dude  
CA: uhh  
CA: ill take it  
CA: look sol im really sorry about the wway ivve been actin towwards you at wwork i nevver really realized it wwas botherin ya  
TA: ye2 ii know that already  
TA: youve kiind of told me liike 200 tiimes  
TA: ju2t 2top tryiing to apologiize and let2 move on from thii2 2hiit  
CA: can i just apologize in person  
CA: just one last time  
CA: let me take you out to dinner or somethin  
TA: yeah 2ure we can go grab diinner 2ometiime  
CA: howw about tomorroww  
TA: 2ure

Somehow, you manage to spend the next hour or so having an actual and not totally strained conversation. It’s the first one you’ve had with the guy. He’s still a pretentious asshole, but once you got past the whole trashing-your-store thing he’s really not that much worse than you or any of your other friends for that matter. He’s not even the worst person you’ve had to deal with. Just kind of a whiny pissbaby. (You work retail; you talk to some of the worst types of monsters.) 

You don’t give the conversation any more thought after that. When it’s over, you realize that Equius had, at some point, returned home. At about ten o’clock sharp he settles his huge horse ass into the bed, mumbling to himself that he should have been there half an hour ago. His nightly habits are so fucking weird. You don’t go to bed much until much later. Case in point, tonight you climb up the ladder at about 2AM, which is depressingly early for you. You’re pretty regularly awake until around five in the morning doing god knows what (it’s mostly coding or interneting). You don’t even really know why you can almost never sleep. Some kind of insomnia maybe, but more than likely you just suck.

You wake up late. It’s the afternoon by the time you crawl your sorry ass out of bed, but you’ve got a few hours to kill before you have to meet up with Eridan. Equius sits by his computer, horsey ass planted firmly on the ground, doing god knows what. He looks up at you when you finally and sleepily hit the ground with concern.

“Sollux, I’m glad to see you’re finally awake.” He’s talking to you for reasons you can’t exactly fathom yet because you just woke up, but you’d probably be confused if you weren’t still half asleep. “I have some… concerns, about recent events. We should talk about them.” He’s not looking directly at you, which is kind of new. You can see the sweat shine on his face from the sunlight that flitters in through the window. (Equius seems to like the window open and you’re not so inclined to argue despite living primarily at night.) 

“What’s up?” You say with slightly more slur than usual, stretching. You can hear every single bone of your spine pop and realign back into place; the stupid dorm bunk beds are absolutely terrible on your back. 

“We must speak about…” He pauses, grabbing a towel and wiping at his face. Gross. “The questionable and exceptionally lewd imagery you project upon the ceiling when you’re dreaming.” And he’s breathing heavily, disgusting, and what the fuck did he say? 

Oh Jesus dicks no, you’re not having this conversation. Not now, not ever. It’s not your fault he wakes up way before you and has a front row seat to the Captor Cinema. You really should see if you can do something about that.

“Or you could avert your virgin eyes and we could not have this discussion-“ 

“This is something we should talk about, Sollux. Your obsession with fish-folk is highly concerning. I find it to be unhealthy to have that kind of attachment to one type of person. Especially when they’re so… different from yourself.” Oh god he’s adamant on continuing this conversation. Fuck no. Fuck that. You want absolutely nothing to do with this. 

“Holy shit. No Just fuck this shit. We aren’t having this conversation. This conversation is not something that is happening right now.” You grab a shirt and a pair of pants, throwing them on as you slur out the words.

“But Sollux-“He’s starting as you move towards your closet. Rather than have Equius give you “The Talk” like some sick twisted father figure, you decide it’s a better option to abscond the fuck out of there. So what if you’re not awake and your socks don’t match, and you’re not supposed to meet up with Eridan for dinner for another couple of hours. Whatever you’ll find some way to entertain yourself for a while. It couldn’t possibly be that difficult. 

You still hadn’t even told Karkat that you’d made plans with Eridan to shut him up. He’d probably appreciate knowing that he wouldn’t have to deal with Eridan whining and pleading for advice anymore. You could go bug him and shoot the shit for a couple of hours while you’re waiting around. You and Karkat are pretty good at keeping a healthy banter going.

You can’t remember what days Karkat is working (usually they line up with yours, but sometimes he picks up shifts for extra cash basically whenever he can, which is probably adding to his weird shouty anxiety). Besides, you could go over to his house, but that’s all the way in buttfuck nowhere half across town and you don’t really want to drive all the way over there in case he did take up a shift. You figure that you’ll take your chances with bugging him at work. If anything maybe someone you know will be working, maybe, and you won’t be bored. Or having that conversation with Equius anymore, holy shit. 

You walk there at the same brisk pace you take up when you’re almost late and decide against texting Karkat as you tromp. He never fucking answers his texts, and if he’s working you have even less of a chance of him answering his phone. And since your legs are like half a mile long and the buses run pretty okay on your days off (fucking figures, the shitheads), you actually get to the mall fairly quickly so it doesn’t matter.

Once you’re in LOLCAT Café, though, you notice a distinct lack of messy black hair and pointed ears. Instead, where you’ve seen his head pop out from behind the coffee machines is an al-mi’raj girl, a strange mixture of anthropomorphic bunny and unicorn. She has short swept black hair and large aqua eyes that stare pointedly through small blue frames. She’d look almost imposing with that stare – you’ve heard things about al-mi’raj kind, you’re not sure if they’re true – but she’s wearing one of the pink girly aprons with yellow trim and the LOLCAT café logo, dusted in flour and you really can’t find that too threatening.

She looks over at you as the bell jangles immediately, little bunny nose wiggling. “Welcome to LOLCAT Café.” She says warmly. You, in turn, walk up to the counter and scan the menu. 

You totally didn’t think through this whole “going to a café” thing. You have a fucking computer for a head. If Karkat had been working you would’ve just taken a seat at the counter and despite not liking to chat while he’s doing his barista schtick you probably could’ve talked at him for a few hours. But without him there you just kind of look like a jackass because you definitely can’t eat any of those pastries and while you can probably pour the coffee down the hole in your neck that seems really stupid.

“What can I get you?” the bunny girl says eventually. Her voice isn’t unkind, but a little sharp. You realize that you’ve been staring at the menu for way too long to be comfortable. Like a jackass. Your hand instinctively flies to your neck you scratch awkwardly.

“Is Karkat working?” you mutter, realizing how stupid that question is. Of course he’s not working. He’s not here, and you’ve just wandered in on his day off, stupid.

The bunny girl continues to smile. She’s got a warm feel to her, something that smells right at home as frosting among the coffee. “Oh no, I’m afraid not. It’s his day off!” 

“Oh. Right.” You sit down anyway, in a small table by the counter. It isn’t lunch or anything like that, so it’s not very busy at all. You’re pretty sure she’s the only one working, considering both Leijon girls aren’t around.

“Sticking around?” She asks, leaning over the counter at you, slight buckteeth pushed over her lip. “Need someone to lend an ear? You look a little stressed out. And I work with Karkat, so I’m good at sensing stressed people.”

You shake your head and flash an X. “Nah, I just don’t have anywhere to be. Yet.”

She keeps talking to you between sparse customers. LOLCAT Café isn’t located in the food court, so sometimes it’s nearly deserted. You’ve heard it from Karkat before, and now it’s evident by how she can just lean over the counter, wiping things down and chatting at you. You learn she bakes, that her name is Jane, and that she doesn’t work the actual register often but she comes in to make the pastries this place has every morning. You end up wasting nearly three hours chatting with Jane, telling her all about the Eridan fiasco you’ve had to endure the past few months. Eventually you look down at your phone to see what time it is noticing you have a couple of text messages from Eridan frantically asking what you want to do when you hang out. 

“Geez, he’s texting me like a frantic idiot. What does he mean, ‘what do I want to do’ he had a plan earlier, what happened?” You snort, looking down at your phone. You’re pretty sure whatever is on your face is, at the very least, bemused. 

“Oh? What was wrong with the original one?” Jane scrunches her nose in the most adorably rodent esc fashion.

You guess he realized you don’t actually eat because it seems all the ideas he’s come up with are completely out of left field and have nothing to do with food.

“This is just too good. I think he just realized I don’t eat. He’s suggesting the weirdest shit. Who even goes to the zoo at 7PM, isn’t that an all-day thing?” You snerk in a pretty mean way, not going to lie, but he deserves it.

Jane smiles brightly at you. “So you don’t eat then! I’d been wondering. I didn’t want to be rude by just outright asking you. I mean, I noticed that you hadn’t ordered anything and kind of wondered. You could have had some other reason for not eating; you are here before alleged dinner plans after all.” She makes a contemplative hum, pursing her lips a little. “I’d have to agree, though. Going to the zoo this late is pretty useless in terms of winning affections back.” 

You tell Eridan to just pick something. You really don’t give a shit.

Ultimately he says that he’s taking you to the aquarium by the pier. You think it’s a really shitty idea because he’s half fish and probably sees everything inside of it on a daily basis, and you’re positive it’s going to be boring because what else is there to do at an aquarium other than stare at fish, but you agree mainly because there’s a boardwalk right outside and a hundred different stores to do shit in if you get tired of looking at fish. You can only hope you won’t want to punch yourself in the face by the end and that he’s got legs like a normal person like at the movies. You know you probably won’t be that lucky; he made it pretty clear that he doesn’t like having his legs out.

“Looks like we’re going to the Aquarium,” you say, trying to remember where it is. “It’s… pretty far away, actually, so I guess I should probably get going.” You stand up, listening to all the bones pop as you stand with a pleased noise. 

“That can be a bit of a walk indeed. Well, take care!” She waves you off with a grin. “It was nice meeting you! You should feel free to come back into LOLCAT whenever! Not just if Karkat is working.”

You make your way out and off in the direction of the pier with a brisk pace, if you don’t dillydally like a fuckwit you might actually be on time. 

You hit the docks right around dinner time, as you thought. Initially, you’re scanning the place for an obnoxious asshat with too much water for a goddamn pier, but instead you’re a bit blindsided by Eridan just standing there with legs and everything, wearing what looks like the same scarf from before, some dumb hipster shirt (again), a flannel one under it, and a pair of pinstriped pants. He must really have a thing for pinstriped pants.

When you get to him he waves tickets to the aquarium like he would wave for hello, but it’s obviously to show you the tickets he obviously just bought. He mumbles something along the lines of “it’s my treat, I’m doing this to say sorry and all,” but you weren’t going to argue in the first place. If you had to buy it yourself you probably would have left because guess what cash you don’t have.

“Glad to see you’ve decided to grow a pair of legs in public for a change.” You remark somewhat bitterly upon arrival. Balls joke? Maybe.

“I’m tryin’ to be considerate, you know. You don’t like my anti-gravity hydration unit, I remember. Karkat told me.” Wow, you could almost think he was the one who used fucking emoticons as a face with the force of that goddamn frown.

You wish you had actual eyes to roll. “What is there even to do here? Are we seriously just going to look at fish the whole time?” 

“Rude! Fish are fascinatin’, Sol, it’s a fabulous way to pass the time and I’m gonna prove it to you.” There’s a happy hop-skip in his step as you two head towards the entrance. He hands you the ticket he bought you when you get there, but it’s entirely unnecessary because the guy who waves you in looks as dead inside as you are at work and wouldn’t give a shit who held what, you’re absolutely certain.

After a while staring at different things that go “glub” a lot, you have to admit that this place is cooler then you initially thought. There’s probably a thousand different types of fish all over the place (of course), but holy shit if fish anatomy isn’t the weirdest shit. One of the signs in particular catches your attention.

“Hey, they have a crustacean room; I bet Karkat would come here literally just to see the crabs.” You say as you casually take a sharp right in that direction.

Eridan shoots you a quizzical look before totally-not-excitedly mashing his face almost right up against the nearest tank. “Does he like crabs or something?” There’s some king crabs doing jack shit in that tank and you’re not sure why his face needs to be that close. Also wow, that’s the stupidest question you’ve ever heard.

“They’re his favorite animal, if that wasn’t obvious when I said he’d spend $30 just to come see the boring ass crabs when he can walk down to Chinatown and stare at a tank of live ones for slaughter in one of those scary ass stores for free.”

You think Eridan was going to say something back to you but a crab moved and suddenly his eyes blew all wide like the cat he is not and he started gibbering about crabs. It’s like a Karkat clone but purple and tall.

A few minutes later you’re astonished to find that it’s apparently entirely possible for a grown fucking man to squeal like a little girl because a tiny little shrimp is following his finger. (It’s a very tiny shrimp) and you think he scared three kids. Common decency says you need to usher him quickly out of the crustacean area immediately. It’s not a big deal for you, because you honestly don’t give a shit about crabs or shrimp, but he pouted like a puppy as you drag him out by the scarf. A giant aquatic puppy.

The building is gigantic and it takes you a few hours to go through it all. About maybe an hour in you start to notice that there’s interactive rooms and holy shit there’s a room where you can pet a shark. You don’t even care about aquatic life but you could pet a shark and hell maybe you can trick Karkat into thinking it was some great white later. (From the signs it looks like it’s aimed for kids so you assume you’re not actually going to pet a great white, but you’re the king of bullshitting.) 

“You can touch sharks here?” You’re pretty sure you sound at least a tiny bit impressed. It is, in fact, a mother fucking shark.

Eridan immediately brightens up, like he’s some easily excitable dog who just heard their owner say the magic word _walk_. “Yeah, you can! I’ve done it a couple of times. I mean, bein’ fishfolk and all it’s not really that exotic, but you get a cute button that says ‘I survived petting a shark’ which is pretty neat!” 

You half expect him to pull his purse over and show you the button, but he doesn’t. (You don’t care what Eridan says, the fucking bag he’s carrying is a god damn purse.) 

“We should go pet the shark!” He says, nearly pulling your arm out of its socket as he drags you along.

The room you’re forcefully hauled into has several pools of water scattered about. Upon arrival, almost unnervingly so, a nekomata with shockingly pink eyes dressed in the employee blue pops up in front of the pair of you. “Hi! Welcome! You guys are here to pet a shark, I assume?” The smile on her catlike face is obviously forced. She might be new, but you’re not going to judge. You can even sympathize. You know what it’s like to work customer service all day, and at least your job doesn’t mostly consist of dealing with whiny children.

“Yep. That’s what we’re doing.” You wrench your arm from Eridan’s death grip, flashing him a pointed glare.

He doesn’t react to it at all. 

You realize pretty quickly that the shark isn’t really very impressive. It’s just a small leopard shark swimming around a shallow pool of water aimlessly. The employee directs you to the side, giving you what you assume are the standard instructions: don’t touch the spine near the dorsal fin, pet mostly the head, be gentle, stay away from the eyes, etc. 

You cautiously put your hand in the water as the shark does its thing, swimming right below you so your fingers graze lightly over its skin. Eridan’s face is Christmas beside you as the shark makes its way to him. He pets a lot more vigorously then you do. You think he’s way too fucking enthusiastic and make a point to tell him so. 

“Dude, it’s just a leopard shark. They’re not big, or dangerous, or… _anything_.”

“You just can’t appreciate nice things. You have to admit that this is pretty cool,” he says with an animated frown. You can just make out the tips of his razor blade teeth behind his lips.

You just snort, not bothering to dignify the statement with a response. Plus, you could have accidentally said something that hinted that it’s actually a little cool, and you can’t have that.

After the allowed time of shark petting, the nekomata directs you to a very large great white mouth to get your photo taken. You’re not super into the idea but Eridan absolutely insists. He’s bouncing and you’re a bit concerned that he might explode if he doesn’t get his picture, so you follow with a sigh. 

Eridan pretends he’s lodged on one of the gigantic fake teeth, treating it as some overly dramatic death scene. You sort of awkwardly stand beside him with a smiley holding up a stupid peace sign like a jackass. 

It’s an awful photo.

Eridan buys it.

After being handed your promised pin, you make your way back into the main part of the Aquarium. There’s a lot more fish to see, apparently, and you have no idea where to go. Eridan speaks up though, so the choice can be pawned off. Score. 

“Hey Sol, I know I took you here instead of out to dinner on account of you not eatin’ and all, but I’m actually pretty famished do you mind if we go to the food court so I can get something to eat?” He looks so worried, as if he potentially just ruined everything by showing his need for sustenance. It’s hilarious in the worst way.

“Sure, whatever. I don’t mind.” You shrug. You really don’t give a rat’s ass. 

Eridan’s sustenance proves to be hilarious. It’s caramel corn, cotton candy, and a fucking tiny little box of grape juice. 

“What are you, five? That’s not even food.” Of course Eridan Ampora would eat like an overgrown child. It had to be either this or eating out every night at restaurants no one but like him or the Peixes could afford. You would bet that he probably did both. 

He frowns, as though that’s supposed to either change your mind or shut you up. Considering he pointedly then obnoxiously slurps at his already-gone grape juice, your opinion just plummets a little bit more. This is a losing battle. Abort mission. Eridan Ampora is in fact enough of a child to loudly and petulantly slurp juice at you.

“Where to next?” You ask, deciding to ignore anything involving food now.

“I was thinking maybe we should go look at the real sharks? Like the big ones. I heard they have a real great white here.” He says, a slight glisten in his eyes. It’s like Karkat and romcoms, but fish.

You offer little more than a shrug in response.

You wander into the shark room and spend a couple seconds looking up at more things that go “glub” a lot before it finally clicks that this little outing feels suspiciously like a date, one that could come right out of Karkat’s romcoms (and yes, it was that previous train of thought that landed your ass here). You have the overly enthusiastic member, the stupid pictures, Eridan constantly trying to engage you but getting caught up in fish. You’d even been having pretty pleasant chats, the sort that don’t make you want to cut yourself, and you two were basically missing just the whole “hand holding” and “kissing” part of this entire venture. 

“Eridan, are we on a date?” You ask pretty much out of nowhere, a small frowny emoticon on your face as you gaze at the sharks through the wall of thick plastic acting as glass. They don’t give a fuck that there’s two really weird guys just staring at them. They’re sharks. 

He actually looks a little surprised. “Well yeah, I kind of thought you knew that already. I mean, I asked Fef and everything and she said it was great, you guys are poly so I started seeking you out at wor—” 

You cut him off mid-sentence. “Hold the phone and back up. Wait a second. Why are we on date? Or why do you think we’re on a date? I thought this was an elaborate apology.” You don’t even question that he knows you and Feferi are polyamorous; anyone who knows you two also knows that you both date others sometimes, but you never stop dating each other and in the end it always becomes just you and Feferi again. 

Eridan looks both offended and sheepish, an odd combination that somehow he pulls off. “I like you, Sol. I thought that’d be obvious by now, and I figured I’d show ya.”

You’re not exactly sure how to respond to this. He took you on a date that you didn’t even know about and talked to your girlfriend about it too? You almost want to sneer at him, snark at him for the gall of his actions. You’re a bit short on scathing remarks, though.

So instead you just walk away, letting your face tell it for you. You’re probably rolling your nonexistent, 2D eyes.

Eridan Ampora, in turn, looks horribly rejected. What, did he expect you to be completely taken aback from his confession and just swoon? What the fuck. He went to your girlfriend without your knowledge and talked about macking on your nonexistent lips without your permission. It makes sense in a weird way, if you think about it. He seems to have been trying his best to approach a taken man without seeming like a homewrecker.

That’s not the point though.

You find yourself having an internal argument about whether or not it’s cute that Eridan actually tried to make sure it would be ok if he pursued you, or just plain idiotic with how he went about it in the beginning of this whole fiasco. Half and half maybe, go two ways here. Oh, you remember—

“You can come back into my store, you know. My boss would like your patronage back,” You find yourself saying, filling up the awkward atmosphere. You two have made your way to a room filled with rays, swimming calmly over your heads. You’re looking up, pointedly not looking at Eridan, but you can feel him staring at you. “Something about you spending thousands of dollars somehow. Most valued customer or something, I don’t know.” He’s still looking at you. “And I guess it’s okay just dealing with you. Don’t get me wrong, you’re actually the worst piece of shit customer to deal with, but at least it’s just you and not just random people and I don’t have to make an ass out of myself walking up and offering my help because you clearly don’t need any help finding anything—”

Eridan takes your talking as an opportunity to attempt to shut you up. Your attention is on a ray, swimming directly over your head, as suddenly you feel lips pressed firmly against your screen. Your words fizz out, not through the intended effect but mostly because you’re a bit distracted with why is Eridan Ampora attempting to shut you up with a kiss when you don’t have lips. You have speakers. You could actually keep talking right now. Eridan is passionately kissing a laptop as a manta ray soars over your heads.

You know, you’ll admit the soft blue light and ambiance is pretty romantic. It’s just that you’re too busy thinking about how fucking ridiculous the entire affair is, and also you’re staring up at the underbelly of a ray. It does eventually swim away though, leaving you staring at just water. It’s been a few seconds and it’s probably going to get pretty awkward pretty quickly.

“… You know I have speakers, right? Like, no mouth to shut up.”

Eridan scrambles away from you, violet in the face and with a look like someone just dropkicked a baby seal. Well, guess he didn’t realize his moment had about no effect on you. (Not entirely none, you were a bit startled and he did get you to shut up for a bit. You could even feel it- shivers down your spine, even, because kisses feel nice actually. But you’re not going to say that because you’re not going to make this experience even more weird.

“Oh shit, oh fuck, I just got that idea stuck in my brain, been listin’ too much to Kar and his ideas and I just- you were babbling, it was the best idea at the time.” He’s wringing his hands, twitching. Officially flipping his shit.

You roll your non-existent eyes. “Stop yammering you asshat, you did get me to shut up. Mission accomplished. Or did you move on from that point and realize I have no lips for passionately making out?”

He’s gone violet all the way down his chest. You find it hilarious in the worst way. “I- Passionately make out, where did that come from? It was just a kiss!”

“Yeah, a hard firm kiss right up against my monitor, that’s the prelude to passionate makeouts and you know it!”

“We’re in a public aquarium!”

“Doesn’t stop me from wanting to passionately make out with you!” Wait what. Did that just come out of your speakers? Processing error, hardware faulty, talking with nonexistent boner from too many fishmen-starred wet dreams.

Apparently that’s all you needed to say, because there’s about a two second pause of silence before Eridan’s pressed right up against you, lips hot and needy pressing against your screen. You wonder what he’d taste like. He smells like sea salt, cologne in the undertones.

You have the stupid hot hipster right up in your business, lips sliding over your monitor, and yeah okay you’ve found him hot from the moment he walked in your store but he’s just such a jerk but apparently a good kisser. There’s the faintest touch of a tongue up against your screen as he slides down, trailing those kisses down to your keys. It’s weird when he slides his tongue through each button, licking them and yeah that feels good holy shit why hasn’t Feferi ever done this trick to you before? He’s slowly working up to things, pressing his manicured claws into your shoulders. You hear a whine when you shudder, and it’s not from your speakers.

Right around this point you remember that you are in fact in a room full of giant bat fish completely open to the public and this is not the place for a boner.

You pry him off slowly, even as he whines and pouts. “ED, not the place.”

“Not what you said earlier.”

“I said want, not that I would.”

“Right.” He’s still flushed all the way down to his chest. “Sorry, Sol. You’re very easy to get lost in.” He looks embarrassed in a very personal way. You wonder if that meant more to him than to you for a second, because you’re an asshole and completely thinking not with your processor if the point is clear.

“Shall we, um.” He gestures towards you two had been walking. “Keep going?”

You really don’t care. “Yeah.”

He brightens a little. He’s so into the fish, it’s hilarious. Feferi’s the same way- it’s probably a fishfolk thing. Shit, you have a type. Eh, it’ll work out. Long as you three manage to communicate. Shouldn’t be a problem, you’re grown fucking adults. Only one of you is a whiny pissbaby and spoilers it’s not you or your girlfriend.

You find out there’s a room of bioluminescent fish. Eridan gets excited for it, a vaguely different kind of excited but still excited nonetheless, as he has done for literally every single room you two have hauled your asses towards. It’s mostly dark in here, lit dimly with blue lights and multiple glowing fish.

Okay fine it’s cool. They’re living things that glow and when you get close you can see the disturbingly sharp teeth. You don’t do the Eridan faceplant into the glass, but you do actually give a few good looks at each thing before moving on.

You look back at Eridan, who you’d lost almost immediately because he was making eyes at the first tank as usual, and-

Wait.

Wait a goddamn second.

“ED.”

“What?” He asks, pretending not to be smug. You can see it in the corner of his lip.

“You’re glowing.” You mean to deadpan it but the disbelief crawls into your voice like a parasite. You’re not really disbelieving- you have a computer for a head, your best friend is a demon, your girlfriend is a mermaid with a shark tail, and apparently your hookup glows. Not really that unusual. You just weren’t expecting it.

“Is it bad?” He asks, trying to juggle the grin with a frown. The result doesn’t do either and he just looks vaguely constipated.

“Nah.” You look away before your screen gives something away. “Wasn’t expecting that shit. You’re a tropical fish.”

“I’m a siren! Sirens glow!”

Sirens glow too, hot shit, apparently. You’ve got it screencapped- little violet freckles that trail his shoulders and face glowing a pleasant white purple, larger circles that trail down his spine (you could barely see them under his shirt but they were there, you can see them clearer in the space between his shirt and his pants where the former rode up. There’s also a noticeable trail heading towards his groin, which you see when he stands up tall to croon at a particular fish that seems to be doing its best to get as far away as possible. 

You will the boner you totally don’t have to go the fuck away as quickly as possible and stare intently at a fish with too many teeth until it does. Stupid dick. You stare at the fish and then, when the fish proves to be uninteresting past the teeth thing, you stare at the wall. Fish are painfully dull, and you fail to notice when bubbles float over the “desktop” that is your face like a bad Windows 7 Screensaver.

The next thing you know Eridan’s smacking the back of your head.

“You know we can go somewhere else, right? We’re not eternally bound to the Aquarium,” he snarks with a pout. It’s like a puppy.

… A puppy with a great ass and a glowing treasure trail.

Yeah okay you’re good with going somewhere else and eating that boy whole in the most metaphorical sense.

“I guess we can get going or some shit,” you lisp at him with several .GIFs of eyebrow waggling. He snorts so hard he winces (attractive, you think sarcastically) as he tries to take your hand. If you’d been doing anything serious you would have destroyed the mood. How does Feferi handle anything you do? You wonder if you’re going to break Eridan.

It’s probably best not to worry about this shit. Number one priority has become hauling his fish ass to your car.

“Sol, I didn’t park this way.”

“We’re not going to your car, we’re going to mi-” Oh wait. You didn’t drive. “Never mind, where’s your car?”

He points over to the right. You tromp in that direction immediately, his wrist in your hand. “What’re we doing?”

This would be so much easier if you had a tongue to shove down his throat and make the point clear. You try to give him a look.

He goes violet down to his chest again. “That- that’s some pretty graphic imagery, right there.”

Shit you’re playing porn .GIFs, aren’t you? Life would be so much easier if people didn’t have a way directly into your brain 24/7.

At least it’s nothing like your brother. The only thing that plays on his screen is dicks. It’s like dick vision all day every day, occasionally a boob every few hours or so. What the fuck, stop thinking of your brother, that’s disturbing, rewind back to the part where you’re dragging Eridan to his car for your equivalent of sloppy makeouts and potential fucking and he’s only embarrassed, not opposed. 

You make him unlock the rear door first, ignoring how many dollars this car must have cost (the door opens vertically, what the fuck kind of car does that, and why does he own a fucking sports car in purple) and sliding in. You’re sitting on leather. This boy has way too much money.

You pull him in after you, him looking a bit… jumpy? Like he didn’t expect his date to end in fucking but hey here you are in the backseat of his car and you’d kiss him but you don’t have lips (this is getting so annoying) so you do the next best thing and obviously drag your hand up the inseam of his thigh up towards his groin until he’s spluttering.

“Sol,” He says, eyes starting to haze over. You take it that this was a well-received gesture and that he’s actually very open to the whole fucking thing. Oh good.

You wonder if he has a fish dick. Feferi has a weird dolphin vagina, but that’s not much different from other vaginas. Hole in crotch, put dick in hole, you’re good to go. Dicks come in various shapes and sizes, from like normal human penis to barbed cat dick (yeah things got a bit weird after all of you started changing shape during puberty), so it’s like… a grab bag mystery in his pants.

“Sol, what the fuck?”

Shit, you’re probably broadcasting.

“It’s a legitimate inquiry, shut up.” You snap, turning your hand to try to cup at his groin. Crotch grabbing is a great way to determine the flavor of cock. He shifts instead, straddling you in his backseat and pressing his lips to your screen. His hands find your waist and he pulls flush against you, trailing his tongue over your screen. It’s equal parts awkward and sexy because basically he just licked you but he is grinding slightly into your dick and that’s great. You’ve been some shade of horny basically all day.

Thwarted from finding out what he’s packing, you take your hands and wrap them around his waist. And then you grab his ass.

He lets out a little yelp, jumping just a bit more forward and mashing his crotch to your pants line. You’re not exactly hard yet but you’re getting there, and quickly (you are young, after all, a plus four to boners like you read once), especially if he keeps making those small motions with his hips and he drops his head back to your keys, breathing heavily between the buttons and sensually dragging his tongue over sideways through them.

He fucking laughs at the breathy sigh that echoes out of your speakers, the asshole. So you knead at his ass harder, lifting your hips to grind at him proper like the fucking horny teenager you are. See how he likes it when he yelps again, going violet, jaw a little slack as he makes the smallest of moans—

The mood is effectively cleaved directly in half when “The Sailor Song” by Toybox plays suddenly and obnoxiously loud from Eridan’s purse. Shit, why do you even know this fucking song? You blame middle school and the internet. Well, there goes your boner.

Eridan groans, not sexily but long-sufferingly and angrily, rolling sideways and grabbing at his phone. He jabs at the answer button violently.

“Cro, this better be fuckin’ important you’re seriously interrupting somethin’ here—” He stops abruptly, as though he was cut off by whoever’s on the other side. “Cro, calm the fuck down. No, I don’t care. No, Cro— Stop bein’ a pussy and go talk to your boyfriend’s not-mother. No I don’t care if she rips your dick off and eats it, that’s your problem. Yes, Kankri is also your problem.” He gets off your lap entirely, sitting on the leather beside you and snapping into the cell. “No, I’m not drivin’ over there to save your ass, you’re my older brother not some nitwit now fuckin’ act like it— No. No. No, no, no, no, no! Fine! Fuckin’ fine! I’ll come over just don’t tell dad you fuckin’ ass!”

Welp. You’re not getting laid.

He jabs at the “End Call” button with all the fury only a fifteen year old could muster, except he’s probably almost twenty just like you.

“Gotta jet?” You ask, already unlocking the door you got pressed back against. Your voice is a bit low still, leftovers from starting to get it on.

“Yeah.” He’s getting out of the car too, walking around the vehicle and yanking the driver’s seat open. “Sorry Sol, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll come by your work again. I don’t want to go but my idiot- older- brother-” he punctuates each word by throwing something in the driver’s seat area to the passenger’s seat. You awkwardly stand outside the open door. “-Is having some trouble with Kan’s older sister and his boyfriend or something. I don’t fuckin’ know, he’s a goddamn moron.”

“It’s fine,” you say, jamming your hands into your pockets. “But if you come back in you’re not touching a single goddamn thing, you hear me? Just stand by and keep me company or some shit.” He winces and you’re certain you’re projecting an angry face- you should really look into some sort of screen protector that hides what your brain’s doing.

“Gotta go now,” Eridan says. He stands back up and pecks your screen, leaving it warm. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

And just like that, you watch Eridan fucking Ampora drive off into the night, probably to club his brother over the head. You stand there like a jackass for a few more minutes, wondering if Equius was home. He probably was. Shit. Maybe you can jack off in the bathroom or something.

It isn’t until you turn around and start walking towards the car you didn’t bring that you remember you get to walk home. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! The next part will be up soon! ~ 
> 
> Yours truly ~ Kera


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part porn! I mean Part 3! Eridan and Sollux get handsy pretty fast and after only one date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!!! Sooo the editing for this part is finally done! FINALLY! Which also means that this fic is done! You may be thinking to yourself, but OH NO!!! where will I get all my object head Sollux feels now?! Well fear not friends! This verse is a series! This is only the first story! We have much much more in store for you guys! You may have even noticed we upload the first chapter of the next Fic which stars Karkat and John! Erisol and Johnkat are the main pairings for this verse after all. Anyways! ~ Enjoy!!! 
> 
> remember you can get a hold of either me or kitten here! 
> 
> http://keramoondust.tumblr.com/ is me!  
> http://yourartistickitten.tumblr.com/ is Kitten! ^^
> 
> feel free to ask questions or talk to us or like... yeah anything. =3

**== > Sollux: Be bored at work**

Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate. You’ve been at work for a couple of hours at this point, past your ten and your lunch, and you’re pretty much just riding out the rest of your shift until you can go home and (gently) computer-plant into the pillow. Lunch with Karkat had been pretty lackluster. Sometimes you wonder if Karkat has a life out of work and school (you’re pretty sure going to the movies is the first social thing he’s done all semester, at least, that you’re aware of, and that was weeks ago at this point). It’s almost Thanksgiving (or, at least, what used to be called Thanksgiving. People found it an outdated and politically incorrect holiday, but this is fucking America and nobody wanted to give up overeating and going comatose for an entire weekend. Now people just call it Turkey Day) and you haven’t heard of any sort of plans from him. Not that you have your own, mind. Your dad’s doing his usual “mysterious visit” (which he does every year, goes off for the day of the holiday and won’t tell you why), and your brother’s going to be with his girlfriend for the weekend, so you’re home alone.

Whatever, you can’t eat.

That and you most definitely have to work during Black Friday so you can’t go anywhere.

You’re putzing around the fitting rooms trying desperately to handle the last half of your shift, absently folding some clothes, when you hear somebody walk into the rooms. Looking up from your work station, you see none other than Eridan Ampora awkwardly standing around. He doesn’t have his bubble with him, you notice, and instead of that stupid gaudy necklace, he’s got that one scarf on, you’re beginning to think is some kind of a staple with him.

You bristle automatically, wondering if he’s going to fuck up your store.

About two seconds later you remember that you actually did invite Eridan back into your store and he seems to have learned at least one thing, considering the lack of water. And he hasn’t seemed to have touched anything either, because he’s not even carrying clothes as he saunters back to the counter with this dumb and awkward smile on his face. You’re an idiot for forgetting something so fundamental, he he’s just an idiot as a whole. 

“Hey Sol,” Eridan says in a tone that’s much too casual. It’s like he intended to just hang out at work, which would be great if it wasn’t a terrible fucking idea. You’re at work and there are still people to tend to, especially because he isn’t going to be the worst customer in the history of ever.

“Sup ED.”

The silence is awkward immediately. He’s staring at places he really shouldn’t be and this is the first time you’ve seen him in your store without wanting to murder him. Maybe he was fucking your store up so you’d pay attention to him- but you dismiss the thought. It’s too smart and he doesn’t seem to have the attention span to keep that up for so long.

The air is awfully thick. You can feel his eyes boring into you. Or, at least, you would if they could keep still. He seems to be making a valiant effort to look at your face, shoulder, neck, but those violet things he calls eyes keep dropping like rocks in water down towards your crotch.

You wish you had a goddamn mouth. (This is a very bad train of thought to have while you’re on shift.) He’s giving you this look, this awkward, nervous, halfway-to-ruin look that makes you want to bend his spine in half and kiss him so hard he’s seeing stars. Shit, if it was up to you and you had the fucking anatomy for it you’d do it; you’d suck down his tongue and lick his teeth (they’re pretty sharp, aren’t they, like Feferi’s?). You’d have your way and he would have broken his hipster façade so quickly it’d be like Equius crushing an eggshell.

He swallows kind of nervously. It’s probably really stupid, if there was anybody else in the fitting rooms with you. You’re just staring at each other. Your metaphorical eyes are tracing every inch of that body. He’s got a strong jaw and narrow shoulders, with this ethereal beauty to him. Is it a fish thing? It could be a fish thing. That or everybody your girlfriend knows is hot. She’s a fucking model, tanned and perfect with bright fuchsia eyes that destroy you inside.

This is really not a train of thought you should be having at work.

Whatever. Eridan’s hot. Your girlfriend’s hot. You have a thing for seadwellers, fuck, who knew? Okay you, you knew, you’ve known for forever. Probably Karkat too because it’s so hilarious to be vulgar around him. And probably Equius, with his front-row tickets to the Captor Dream Cinema. Who’s even counting? You’re not. (You are.)

You officially can’t take any more of that half-lidded look, through his eyelashes and almost glowing violet. You’re young, in college, at work, and have very bad decision making skills because when he licks his lips your dick throbs and you’re already unlocking a fitting room. It’s slow enough, they won’t miss you.

He’s halfway through asking you what you’re doing when you grab him by the wrists and haul him into the tiny room with you. He bangs against the wall, pupils blown wide, and you go straight for the crotch diving olympics. Eridan squeaks, high pitched and girly, and you slap a hand over his mouth.

“Be quiet or you’ll get me fired,” You hiss. He nods nervously and you push down his pants. He’s breathing quickly, tiny little hitches as he swallows down the girlish noises he’s trying so hard not to make. He looks like he’s going to die. “You do want this, right?”

He nods emphatically and you go back to it.

You’re a little surprised when you encounter, instead of a dick or black boxers (you imagined he’d wear black boxers or just go commando for some reason), purple panties. They’re cute, with a little bow on the top, and garish text that reads “X Marks The Spot” right across the front. You almost bust out laughing when you realize that there’s a small dotted track heading around his hip and the X is on his ass. But you don’t. It’s a close call.

Instead you stick a hand in his panties.

He… doesn’t seem to have a dick. There’s almost something that reminds you of a vagina instead, a slit in-between his legs. You imagine arching an eyebrow.

He looks away, going bright violet. He’d probably be snapping at you if he wasn’t gnawing furiously on his bottom lip. The flush darkens as you grind down at the slit, his eyes narrowing. You hear the barest beginnings of a whine choke on itself as you just kind of… tease, pressing against the opening without actually putting your fingers in. You’re psyching yourself up for this, after all, because while you’ve had plenty of wild fishsex with your girlfriend, Eridan’s the first fishman you’ve gotten intimately familiar with and you’re a little nervous to the kind of heat he’s packing because it’s obviously not like yours.

If he even is packing any heat. Do fishmen even have dicks? You should have looked this up. This kind of reminds you of Feferi’s junk. (You’re so glad he’s not looking at you, your screen must be playing the stupidest shit.)

Well, no time like the present.

You slip a finger inside, then two, then basically your entire hand because there is no resistance and there is what feels like a goddamn tentacle twisting between your fingers. Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Eridan’s got a tentadick.

Your boner goes “hell yes” as you wrap your hand around it, squeezing lightly. He makes a quiet whine, a gasp verging on a moan, and you shove your other hand into his mouth. It’s surprisingly pliant, without many teeth and with a lot of tongue, for which you’re glad because you’d rather not have a bite taken out of your fingers.

His tentadick slowly slides out of this slit, twisting in his lap and around your hand. It’s purple, of course it’s purple, but purple in the way of the current state of his face. And dripping a little, at the tip, a few drops of pre sliding down its length and slicking your hand up completely. Eridan’s face is completely fucking wrecked, and you think he’s trying to look at you but he routinely fails at that because when you twist your hand just so or squeeze just a little his eyes roll back in his head.

That’s probably more of the whites of his eyes than you should be seeing but you’re having a hell of a time ruining this man and it’s verging on that edge between hilarious and really fucking hot. Your dick is basically throbbing in your pants, and you really shouldn’t be getting off on this as hard as you are, but you haven’t been laid in so long and you really have a serious thing for fishpeople.

You pull your hand from his mouth (his mouth that’s dripping like he’s the star of a goddamn hentai, holy shit, Eridan could do fucking a porno and fit in goddamn perfectly) and he pants, blinking hard. His eyes finally roll back into view and he watches you fumble one-handed with your jeans, the other still twisted around his dick. It’s not an ideal setup, and you’re not very good at multitasking so you’ve gone from being an active participant to letting his pants tentacle just squirm around your palm.

Goddamn why can’t you be ambidextrous??

While you fight with the button (finally getting it open and shoving your jeans halfway down your ass so you can grope at the tent you’re pitching in red/blue boxers) Eridan seems to have gotten his sensibilities back enough that he hauls you closer and presses his lips up against your pulse point. Your legs shake a little at the small points of teeth you feel against your skin.

You shove your boxers down and start furiously trying to get yourself off.

Eridan proves himself to be the goddamn dick prince because he pulls your hand off yourself and trails his nails down your sides. They’re sharp, almost like claws. There’s something inherently animalistic about the siren, probably part of being a siren. He’s more violent than Feferi, and he’s barely done a thing. Your hips twist, pressing your dick more towards his questing hands, and you squeeze at him in petulant retaliation.

The sound muffled in your neck should be fucking illegal and when he finally gets his hand around you it’s like low and heavy sparks crawling up your spine. He’s good with his hands. He’s good with his mouth. You vaguely wonder if he’s any good at giving head.

Then you wonder what it would feel like if you got his dick tangled up with yours because it vaguely feels like he’s fucking himself on your hand and it would be great if he did those twisting pumps on your cock and that thought is insanely fucking illegal to the point that you’re pretty sure your screen is nothing but static when you crash headfirst over the edge in an orgasm that makes your legs shake. You’re pretty sure you came on his shirt. You don’t really give a shit.

“Fuckin’ poetry,” Eridan mumbles into your neck. You can feel the teeth scraping against the bruises he’s probably leaving you. “That was fuckin’ goddamn poetry Sol’, oh god I’m so close-”

“Be quiet,” you rasp out as quietly as you can. You’re going to get fired. You put both hands to work, pushing past post-orgasmic haze to try to catch him up to you. He chokes back a noise that’s probably a week’s worth of masturbation fuel and you wish you could hear it as he comes.

You two stop moving. You’re halfway to the floor (you’re so glad these doors go all the way down) and you’ve got jizz all half over your hands and on his shirt. He whines quietly, pushing your hands away from his merdick. You wipe them clean on your jeans (probably a terrible idea) and watch in fascination as slowly it retreats into his body. Goddamn.

That didn’t take long.

Slowly, you stand up again. Your legs feel like jelly, shaky and a little knock-kneed. You offer a hand to Eridan, who looks a hundred times more “404 Error” than you. His eyes aren’t rolled back anymore, but his pupils are blown wide and black, almost eclipsing his irises in size. He looks like he just got fucked, which makes your dick try and fail entirely to rise to the occasion. Stupid refractory period. You could totally go for a round two, if your stupid body could handle that.

He kisses your screen as you two sway there, awkwardly maneuvering his cum-splattered sweater away from you. It feels… nice. A bit relaxing, after that sudden drop into horny teenager mode, especially since he isn’t tonguefucking your keys this time. He hums in the back of his throat softly.

“Not bad,” you rasp out. You cough, trying to kick the sex-sound out of your voice. It only kind of works.

“Yeah,” he mumbles back, resting his face against yours. “Can you get me a new shirt though? I’ll wear it out.”

Because it’s your job, you do. He’s a medium, of course he’s a medium, and he looks just as stupid in a graphic tee with a fairy bull across the chest (it’s your store’s logo) as he does in every other hipster thing he wears, but even he pulls a face at your random choice.

“Really?”

“It was available.” And only a few steps away. You’re lazy. You stand in the corner of the dressing room, raising an eyebrow. He looks so dumb. You almost want to take pictures. Hell, you almost do, but you hear Tavros calling your name. You quickly step out, schooling your customer service face back on to find your coworker, leaving Eridan behind because ugh, your job.

“Did you break something?” You ask when you come up to him, carefully bland.

“Uhh… No. I was wondering where you went. You weren’t answering your walkie.”

You sigh heavily and loop your fingers into the belt loops of your pants. “I was just in the bathroom for a couple minutes, and then I was helping Ampora. I’m back now.”

“Ampora?”

You gesture over your shoulder as Eridan steps out of the dressing room (good timing) with his logo’d shirt on, flashing poses as if he were modeling. “I look fabulous, don’t I?”

“Stunning,” you flatline. Tavros gives you the most dumbfounded look. “Now go get it rung up.”

“Wow. You’re no fun.” You swear he exaggerated the accent there. “I’ll text you, kay?”

“Kay.” Tavros is still staring at you as Eridan leaves. “What?”

“Nothing,” he insists. You don’t quite believe him, but Tavros is really oblivious and unsure of himself so you just accept that you’re probably fine and go to start folding all the clothes the cash registers and stock room have dumped onto your table. They call it processing. You just hope someone is around the floor to put this shit back onto the floor. 

Tavros has been giving you funny looks all through the rest of your shift. You’re sure you’re psyching yourself out but you think he might know. He’d better not. He’d tell Rufioh and oh god, you could get fired, you can’t get fucking fired. You keep the best neutral face you can, folding shirts and hoping he doesn’t get close enough to smell the sex on your hand.

After spending the rest of your shift panicking over trying to keep a neutral face, you decide to finally go to the electronics store and get a goddamn screen protector, the kind that blacks out your screen, because you’re so goddamn tired of broadcasting thought to the world twenty-four/seven. You’re honestly astonished you didn’t think of this shit before. Then again, you weren’t thinking of merdick and sex twenty-four/seven before. At the very least you can wear it while you’re sleeping and stop Equius from being such a fucking creep. 

The one you take is simple, just a removable screen that turns your screen too dark to see. Fucking perfect. You can finally think whatever you want for the first time in years.

When you get home, half an hour later than usual, Equius is laying on his bed, gingerly pressing keys on his laptop. You don’t care to see what he’s doing, taking a seat at your own computer. You log into pesterchum and get on with your homework.

\-- carcinoGenesist[CG] started pestering twinArmageddons[TA] at 14:53 ! –

CG: HEY YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND.  
TA: waiit what no ii’m not  
CG: WHY, DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE PLANS THIS SATURDAY?  
TA: um no  
CG: WELL THEN YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND, CASE CLOSED.  
TA: waiit... don't ii get 2ome 2ort of a 2ay iin thii2?  
CG: NOPE.  
CG: NOT AFTER LAST TIME.  
CG: I AM HEREBY REVOKING YOUR SAY PRIVALLEGES.  
TA: well exu2e me  
TA: 2iince when do ii let you make plan2 for me kk  
CG: SINCE LIKE ALWAYS OR AT LEAST LIKE TWO MINUTES AGO.  
CG: LOOK I EVEN USED YOUR NUMBER.  
TA: 2hut up kk  
CG: NO YOU SHUT UP. YOU'RE COMING TO DINNER WITH ME.  
TA: what do you even want me to do thii2 weekend anyway?  
TA: diinner?  
CG: YES, DINNER. THAT THING WHERE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND CHEW AND SWALLOW REPEATEDLY AS PEOPLE BLATHER ON AROUND YOU.  
CG: OR IN YOUR CASE, SIT THERE AS PEOPLE BLATHER ON AROUND YOU.  
TA: dude kk thii2 whole entiire thiing ju2t 2ound2 awful  
TA: ii dont even eat  
CG: IT'S KANAYA'S IDEA AND THERE'S LIKE A SHITTON OF PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE WITH THEM. I WILL DIE. I WILL EXPIRE AND ON MY DYING BREATH I SHALL BLAME YOU FOR MY UNTIMELY DEMISE, CAPTOR.  
TA: ok ok jeez ju2t cut the dramatic2  
TA: iill go wiith you  
TA: but you totally owe me for thii2  
CG: OH THANK FUCK.  
CG: FINE, FINE, I'LL OWE YOU.  
CG: ****IF**** YOU MAKE IT THROUGH THE ENTIRE NIGHT WITH ME.  
TA: whatever 2hould totally be a piiece of cake   
TA: keep your mii2erable a22 company for one whole diinner  
TA: ii thiink ii can manage

You and Karkat banter back and forth for a little while longer like that. You don’t want to admit it, but it makes sense that he’d drag you along. You probably would’ve said yes regardless, whatever no one needs to know that. 

 

**== > Sollux: It’s Black Friday. **

Holy shit, you really don’t want to be here right now. You work in one of the largest malls in the city and it’s the biggest shopping day of the year. Although your store’s sale is lackluster – 40% off, nothing compared to some other places – but that doesn’t stop the whole thing from being a zoo. Even Aradia’s needed your help at the cash registers all afternoon; the lines are nothing short of insane.

You really should probably skip somewhere else. You’re too busy to keep up a steady banter for the story to keep tabs on right now. It’s Black fucking Friday. Maybe check in on what someone else is doing for once. You’ve been Sollux for a really long time now.

Ok, so you can’t exactly just check out and be someone else. That’s not exactly how things work. You can pretend though, right?!

Right?!

Ok maybe not, but you’re not kidding when you say that this is crazy and you wish you were anywhere else. You’d rather be in the same room as your brother getting hot and heavy with his girlfriend over working right now. Well maybe not that, that’s kind of really gross actually.

Ugh you’ve been working way too long. At least you’ve only got a little while longer. You’ve been here since somewhere close to six in the morning and you’re going onto your ninth hour. You want to call up some of Feferi’s mom’s kinda black magic voodoo on Rufioh for scheduling you with such shitty hours. Eventually, though, you’re allowed to leave. You spend the rest of your day interacting with zero people, thank fucking god, but you also end up falling asleep really fucking early and not getting up until the next day.

You’re supposed to go with Karkat to that stupid ass dinner today. God, you wish you could eat. You can’t even participate in this event. At least Karkat will owe you one. And it’s something to do? Like, a reason to shower (with your head in a plastic bag; like hell if you’re getting the tech wet), and even though you really don’t want to go have people interaction at least Aradia won’t beat you up for never doing anything. (You’ve been sliding into a rut, a tiny one, but at least you noticed this time.)

You throw on some slacks and a red and blue split button up shirt to match your mismatched sneakers before heading out towards Karkat’s apartment. You know he won’t be ready when you get there. He’s never fucking ready when you get there. You drive because you can and fuck walking after yesterday. 

You arrive at Karkat’s apartment exactly on time and find him fussing over himself in the mirror. He always does this shit. You have little to no tolerance of his need to make sure he looks nice for people he doesn’t know. It takes him too fucking long to finally unglue his goddamn ass from the mirror, with a thousand questions if he looks “good” or “presentable” or “like I didn’t just crawl out of bed, I mean, I didn’t just crawl out of bed but I have the habit of looking like it okay fuck you.”

He brings a pie. 

Somehow the pair of you manage to bicker then entire time you drive to Kanaya’s about the goddamn pie.

You’ve never been to Kanaya’s house before but you recognize the little tattoo shop (sorry, _parlor_ , Kanaya corrected you once) that her sister owns immediately. It’s hard not to, with the flowing green text and very specific moth-goth-vampire aesthetic. Apparently, they live up top. 

Karkat knocks as you stand aimlessly to the side, ready to be bored. You amend your train of thought the moment the door opens, because Karkat immediately gets tackled. You get yelled at too, just a little, because the tackler, Terezi motherfucking Pyrope, gets whiff of your “unlawful plans.” You’ve met her before, briefly. Her face is familiar. Does she go to Prospit, too?

You’ve heard her name before, definitely. From Karkat.

This is going to be awkward.

You enter behind the chaotic mess (“Hold up Captor, I have to do a _thing_ ,” Terezi had said before flying over Karkat’s head and ditching you at the doorway.), taking note of everyone there. You realize quickly that the people aren’t as “random stranger” as they could be. Most of them seem pretty chummy with Karkat at least, so there was no reason for you to be here.

You actually manage to recognize Dave and John from descriptions Karkat throws at you over lunch. He’s spectacularly colorful and also remarkably accurate, considering you recognize them without ever having actually seen or interacted with either.

You make a mental note of Dave’s two girlfriends (you give the guy some praise for being in a polyamorous relationship): Terezi (a dragon, by the way) and Jade (an overenthusiastic werewolf, who’s just finished manhandling Karkat). You sit on the table by the couch, looking to Strider for conversation. Might as well make an attempt, right?

“So…two chicks, huh?” You say, tilting your screen in his direction. Not that it matters, you’re wearing the new screen protector you brought, fuck yes, shield out all those completely unwarranted eyes trying to get a peek at the Captor cinema. 

Terezi speaks up, lounging her bones on Strider’s lap. She nearly beans him in the face with a wing. “Wow, Captor, way to be rude! You have no business saying such insensitive things to people. Especially when we’re right here, duh.” 

You cough under her glare. She’s levelling you a narrowed gaze over bright red shades (props to her for the eyewear; it’s half right). It’s a little off-putting, actually, because her eyes are a pale teal color with blindness and there’s some angry scarwork around the sockets. “Chill, Terezi,” You offer. “I didn’t mean it like that, what I meant was…” You clear your throat and put on your best impression of the goth-moth-meddler herself. “ _It appears in which the two of you are in a relationship that actually involves the three of you in a-_ oh goddamn it I can’t do this.”

Terezi laughs, a cackle. Dave chuckles. “You’re asking if we’re poly?”

“Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I am asking.”

Dave grins lazily, or at least what seems like a grin, and pulls his girlfriend’s closer. “Yep. This shit’s the most loving relationship I’ve ever known, dude. These two ladies and I we’re so god damn close its great.”

“We beat him up and he likes it,” Jade giggles. Strider goes red. You get a mental image of your brother going _“kinky”_ as Terezi laughs. She reminds you of your brother’s dragon girlfriend, you realize. Similar colors.

“That’s sweet.” You grin and realize they can’t see it. “Me too. I haven’t met so many poly people.” You end up telling Dave about your supermodel fish girlfriend and your newly integrated fish… boyfriend. Huh. Maybe you have a type.

Nah. You reject that immediately. You dated Aradia, and she’s a satyr, so that has to say something. Right?

No, you have a type, and that type is fish people.

You talk for a bit. Or, rather, kind of talk. Half the time you’re wishing you brought your DS or something, and partway through the conversation Jade springs out of the couch to knock John away from Karkat with one hip. Dave’s an interesting character, to be sure, though you end up just… not listening a lot. He goes on some pretty long-winded metaphors.

“That’s my douchefuck of a boyfriend over there!” Jade says suddenly. You snap to attention, question marks popping up under your screen protector as she swears brightly off to the side.

“You wound me, Harley.” Dave drawls, a hand in Terezi’s hair.

Terezi beams him in the nose with a flapping hand.

You like her.

One taxing conversation spent telling secondhand stories later, you get shoehorned to the dining table and sit at the foot of the table. You’re next to Karkat, so you can’t complain too terribly. John’s on his other side – of course he fucking is – and you bunker down for an evening of things-you-can’t-do. For about five minutes.

Then you pull out your phone. Kanaya glares at you from the head of the table, pursing her lips disapprovingly. You ignore the mom glare and look over your contacts. You have maybe four- Aradia’s at dinner, Feferi’s… probably at dinner? What even goes on at the Peixes house? You’re with Karkat.

Eridan it is then.

  
To: ED  
hey ed iim totally bored at thii2 2tupiid diinner kk took me two what2 up? 

It doesn’t take him long at all to respond to you. 

  
From: ED  
oh sol just wwho i wwanted to talk to  
nothin much is up i wwas just thinkin about the other day at your work 

So, he’s going to go down that road. You can roll with this.

  
To: ED  
oh yeah? what were you thiinkiing about exactly?  
my hand on your junk or cummiing all over youself? 

  
From: ED  
oh my god 

You smile inwardly, and then externally because NOBODY CAN FUCKING SEE IT, and wait for the next installment of Eridan flipping some shits.

You get a notification on pesterchum.

CA: oh my god  
TA: what?  
CA: are ya really doin this  
TA: ii’m not doiing 2hiit ed ii have no iidea what you’re talkiing about  
TA: ii’m ju2t remembering the fiiner detaiil2 of ye2terday’2 event2  
TA: up two and iincludiing the 2hiiveriing wreck of po2t-orga2miic haze you melted iinto  
CA: youre fuckin doin this holy shit  
TA: ye2 ed ii’m fuckiing doiing thii2 ii’m 2o bored  
CA: wwell if thats howw youre gonna play this  
CA: yes i wwas thinkin exactly about that  
CA: or actually  
CA: everything i didnt get to do in our brief tryst in the dressin rooms  
CA: up to and including suckin your dick  
CA: you have a vvery suckable lookin dick sol  
TA: wiith your teeth hell no  
CA: oh come noww  
CA: you felt my mouth up so much back then  
CA: im good with it i swwear  
CA: all hot and wwet and pliant  
CA: so much better with it than my hands i promise ya  
TA: do you have an oral thiing?  
CA: do you  
CA: cause ya were gettin pretty up close and personal with my tonsils there sol  
CA: swwear ya woulda fuckin bleww so hard if i sucked  
CA: lucky for ya i like bitin as much as i like suckin  
CA: such a good cocksucker  
TA: ii’m 2ure you were born to put diick2 iin your mouth  
CA: especially yours

You’re glad you don’t have a blush reflex. That anybody can see, anyway.

TA: oh really  
CA: yeah sol  
CA: youd fit perfectly in my mouth  
CA: id love to swwalloww you dowwn until you cum  
CA: of course id havve to get acquainted first  
TA: really  
TA: acquaiinted  
CA: oh shut up youll like my acquaintin  
CA: considerin it invvolvves a lot of my face right up against your dick and a lot of fervvent kissin  
CA: wwork my wway up from the base to the head  
CA: really a thing wworth some wworship sol i hope you can use it just as good  
TA: ii’m told ii’m pretty adept  
CA: fefs biased she dont count  
CA: but anywway back to your cock  
CA: and howw id love to drag my tongue ovver it all  
CA: and howw id get to the head and wwrap my lips over ya  
CA: slowwly wwork ya in   
CA: almost teasin really  
CA: make sure to press my tongue up against the bottom of your dick and rub ya against my hard palette  
CA: and its not like id forget that i havve hands sol  
CA: i can most definitely use them too  
TA: 2hiit you 2eem pretty iinto thii2  
CA: its a great pastime  
CA: wwhy  
CA: are you complainin when the topic is you  
TA: nah  
TA: just iimagiiniing threadiing my fiinger2 through your haiir and 2avoriing that feeliing  
TA: ii’m 2ure you’d be fuckiing flawle22 at the entiire affaiir  
CA: of course i am wwho do you take me for  
CA: after gettin acclimated id even start bobbin my head up and dowwn  
CA: i can make my mouth pretty tight wwithout evven gettin my teeth in the wway ill have you knoww  
CA: and my tongues pretty damn dexterous  
CA: siren perk  
CA: i can coil it around ya some  
TA: holy 2hiit  
CA: you wwent here first sol

Yeah okay you did but he wasn’t supposed to be waxing poetic about sucking your dick; he was supposed to be flustered and ruffled about the dressing room quickie. You’re glad these pants don’t showcase your boner.

TA: ii hope youre goiing to do more than ju2t that  
TA: can you take me thrustiing iin your mouth ed because ii really wanna do that  
TA: ju2t fuck your mouth hard  
CA: of course i can  
CA: sirens dont have gag reflexes ill have you knoww  
CA: i can take wwhatevver ya dish out  
CA: go ahead  
CA: ill make it good for you  
CA: i like to deepthroat too  
CA: and wwhen i havve ya all the wway dowwn to the root i like to swwalloww  
CA: feels fuckin amazin for ya sol i hope you knoww the servvice im doing ya  
TA: ii can iimagiine  
CA: hey if the dinners so borin ya should ditch  
CA: come on ovver  
CA: ill demonstrate so you wwont have to imagine

You would keysmash if you were that sort of person. Instead you look up around the table, thankful for your screen protector. To your left, you’ve got Jade and Terezi mauling their food like wild animals. To your right, you’ve got Karkat leaning dangerously close to your personal space as John sprawls himself halfway around your friend’s lap. Across from you, Kanaya’s got an expression of slight pain in mothy features. Rose is giggling, leaning on her girlfriend.

In short, nothing that concerns you.

TA: iill be riight over giive me diirections  
CA: swweet

“Hey KK, I think I’m gonna split. Think you can find your own ride home?” He gives you a look, eyes blown wide in panic. Before he gets the chance to yell at you to stay here, John’s piping up at his side.

“I can give him a ride home, no problem!”

“Cool, I’m cutting out early. Sorry everyone,” you say as everybody makes the patented disappointed noises that are only polite. “Dinners aren’t really my thing.” They let you go with a wave, Jade’s tail wagging and drooping in turn.

Then you get in your car, phone displaying the right directions to Eridan’s apartment. You feel a little bad about abandoning your best friend and you’re definitely not going to get that favor now, but really, whatever. That John kid wants in his pants, you’re certain, and you totally did him a favor. Plus you help that asshole with his homework all the time you can make him give you a different favor. 

Eridan, you find out, lives in one of the nicer areas of town. You’ve been here only a few times when you’ve explored- your family personally lives in one of the lower-class sides of town. Most of your friends come from your end. Feferi lives in an even richer side of the city, out where the houses look like they’re a block long. Considering the Peixes family is fucking _loaded_ , you’re not surprised. You’re not entirely sure where all their money comes from – they’re models, all of them, but you think Feferi’s mom does something else. Exactly what, you don’t know. You’re pretty sure Condy doesn’t like you.

You’re not sure what you’re expecting when you get to Eridan’s place. It’s probably mostly water, considering Eridan hates magic. Or, hated? He’s been using it more, and it’s likely that it’s not actually entirely underwater because he’s having you over.

If it’s damp you’re going to be so annoyed.

You punch in Eridan’s apartment number at the door, waiting for the door to open a little antsily. Your boner may have softened some during the ride because damn it is hard to drive with a hard-on, but you’re still horny as fuck.

Of course Eridan lives on the top floor, goddamn. Fucking wealthy asshole lives in the penthouse. The elevator ride is long and dull, completely empty. You wonder if it’s possible that you two could fuck in here...

You abort the train of thought mostly out of convenience, considering you’re here and it’s much easier to think about how he’s going to suck your dick. He’d better suck your dick.

You knock, rocking back and forth for maybe a second before the door opens and you stride inside as if you belong there. His apartment is large and open. The floor is glass, and below it is what looks like a fish tank. It’s a fucking huge tank, connected to glass walls of fish too. It’s also wealthy, painfully expensive looking, and with a large entertainment center and the nicest electronics you’ve ever seen. You kinda want to steal them.

But that’s not what you’re interested in, really. You’re interested in the guy standing awkwardly to the side, hair wet (probably from a recent surfacing) and only in his boxers. And behind him, several strewn items mess up the initial niceness. There’s a few books in the back, wrapped in plastic and marked with the Derse University logo. That’s the local art school.

“Do you go to Derse, ED?” You ask, setting your ass into the _leather couch _set against one of the walls.__

__“Oh.” He shrugs. “Sort of? I’m enrolled, but I don’t go to the classes.” He steps forward hesitantly, then more purposefully, taking a seat practically on top of you._ _

__You don’t mind. There’s only one reason why you came over, and that reason is why Eridan sticks his tongue between your keys and a hand between your thighs. There’s a small growl rumbling in his chest as he kneads and licks, reveling in the small noises that fall from your speakers._ _

__“Sounds beautiful, Sol,” he mumbles up around the H and N keys. “Don’t try to hold back on me, now.”_ _

__You decide not to mention that you’re not very loud in the sack for favor of making a hmm noise as you drag him more firmly on top of you. Sure, you’re not silent, but you definitely aren’t as rowdy as he seemed like he was going to be._ _

__You go for your belt. The pants need to go, you’re pretty good with the pants being gone, but he stops you. He stops you with long fingers with small claws and he purrs into your keys, dragging his tongue all the way up._ _

__“Shame you’ve got this on, Sol,” he mumbles close against you. “I actually like seeing every thought that goes through your head.”_ _

__“It was annoying,” you gripe. He laughs and you don’t bother pretending that his breath doesn’t make you tremble a little._ _

__“But cute,” Eridan says as he drags those light fingers up under your shirt and then down again, claws causing light lines of goosebumps down your body. You shudder with full force this time as he gets to your hips, almost going under your slacks. Then he starts unbuttoning your shirt from the bottom up, lowering his face so he can suck on your neck._ _

__You’re okay with laying back and letting him do his thing. You are most definitely not complaining as those nails trace little patterns over your stomach and up your chest, as his mouth slowly meanders down to your collarbone and then pecs before he finds your nipple. He wraps lips around it, tonguing it lightly as he sucks and your chest pressed up from the leather._ _

__“Shut up,” you mumble breathily as you feel his lips try to quirk up into a smile. You also attempt to snake your hands under him, going for the zipper on your slacks. You get a little sidetracked with his crotch, though, because it’s right fucking there and it’s just so easy to grope at the inside of his thighs and then around to kneading at his ass._ _

__Damn, boy’s got a great fucking ass._ _

__Boy’s just got a great fucking body, you decide as you just appreciate the sex that’s sitting in your lap. Kneadable ass, defined hips- you trace up his sides and don’t miss the hitch as you touch his gills. Feferi doesn’t have them- she’s got gills on her neck, ones you can’t touch because they’re so sensitive and she doesn’t like it. Eridan goes completely still as you finger the edges softly._ _

__“Yes?” you ask, because you’re an asshole. He retaliates by nipping at your pec, so you guess you’re even._ _

__Until you press just a little and the noise that comes out of him is completely wild. He’s shaking, hips rocking in your lap, and you can feel his tentadick press out of his sheath. You grope his gills again and he cries out with your name, panting hard against your side._ _

__You laugh, only half unkindly. “Sensitive?”_ _

__“If you go any harder it’ll hurt like a bitch,” he grouses, voice hitching halfway through when you make a move to touch again._ _

__“That’s not a ‘stop,’” you grin as you press gently and he practically writhes._ _

__“Stop stop oh fuck stop this will be over way too fucking fast if you don’t—”_ _

__You stop, fighting down strange, almost hysterical giggles. You can feel his dick against your leg, throbbing and twisting slowly as he pants some more, gnawing on you._ _

__“You’re an asshole,” he mumbles as he recovers. You shove him down, pushing until he falls off your lap ungracefully. He glares from the ground, looking up between your legs as you thread a hand through his ungelled hair._ _

__“And you said you’d suck my dick.”_ _

__He grins predatorily – you’re suddenly afraid to have those teeth anywhere near your penis – but then he surges forward, undoing your pants and yanking them halfway down your legs. He actually presses his cheek against your dick for a second, pressing kisses up the side until he gets to the head and then he sinks down and—_ _

__oh_ _

__shit_ _

__He actually wrenches a low moan out of you as his tongue coils around your dick, not long enough to go entirely around but long enough to almost make a full circle, and he sinks down to the root on the first go. You feel the resistance of his throat for maybe a second before you’re down and he’s really good at keeping his teeth out of the way. It gets messy quickly, his mouth alternating between wrapped around you and hanging slack, and the slobbering would be gross if you weren’t having a serious 404 Error at how his tongue presses up and around you, how his hard palette seems to have more subtle ridges than you would expect. All the while his throat works around you, swallowing everything he can._ _

__You curl around him, shaking a little. There’s a tingling in your extremities, in your dick, and you’re quickly not giving a shit. He makes a small wrecked noise when you fist in his hair and groan, nails digging into your thighs. You make a noise of displeasure when he pops off, exhaling ragged breaths against your cock as he presses sloppy kisses against you._ _

__“Real suckable dick, Sol,” he mumbles before going back at it. He’s looking up at you this time, leading with his tongue as he goes down. He stays when he gets to the base, slurping at your underside and then he hums, he honest to god hums and the hard pressured throbs in your groin get worse._ _

__God, fuck, when was the last time you’d ever gotten head? Feferi doesn’t have the control, and her teeth are sharper than Eridan’s, so you haven’t tried it with her and- fuck, must have been back with Aradia, shit. That’s probably why you’re into it so much, goddamn- your mind’s going a little fuzzy with static. You can feel your orgasm creeping up, a thick heady pressure gathering between your legs._ _

__Shit. Fuck. Too quick._ _

__You pull his head up by the hair, not missing the groan in his throat or the flutter of his eyelids, and hold him up there as he catches his breath. He stares at you through lidded eyes, licking his lips._ _

__“What’d I tell you?” He asks with a voice sounding halfway between a growl and like his vocal cords got rubbed in gravel. “I’m good.”_ _

__You’re tempted to shake him a little for the comment. Instead, you drop him (he crashes unceremoniously down and his nose jabs against your hip) and haul his ass back up to your lap. It takes some weird twisting, considering he’s trying to still gravitate his face back into your crotch, but eventually you manage to convince him that he should stay vaguely vertical so you can get his boxers off. (You expected panties again this time, to be honest.)_ _

__You don’t manage to get his boxers off. He starts gnawing on your shoulder, lazy bites and whines as you slide his choice of underwear halfway down his legs and just stick your hands inside. His merdick’s already unsheathed, twisting in on itself. You offer it your fingers, to which it grabs greedily and tightens. It’s soft, you muse, soft while you’re hard as fucking rock and ready to fucking _go_. If the noises he’s muffling into your shoulder are any indication, Eridan is also ready to fucking go._ _

__You jerk him like you would yourself, with a little more squeezing because he’s so fucking soft and every time you do he jerks like a live wire, falling away from your (mauled) shoulder to moan loudly and obscenely. It would be hilarious if you weren’t so hard and horny and therefore finding it really fucking hot. Like, holy shit, if you were going to cum hands free to anything it would be to just a loop of this, and then he drops his hand down around your dick and traces clawtips up and down lightly. It’s not nearly enough to get you off, but it is enough to make you tingle and ache with crawling heat and pressure._ _

__You spend about maybe three minutes like this, growing increasingly more impatient as he continues to _not_ get you off, before you get the genius idea to haul his ass closer so his tentadick can go from twisting around your fingers to twisting around your cock, slick and pulsing with his own heartbeat and a _fuck_ lot better than you imagined in the dressing room. It’s like the strangest of spasms, a heavy throb to match the one located in your groin that you’re concentrating very _very_ hard on. You feel claws in your side, in your thighs, Eridan going from leaning forward into your chest to leaning back with entire body bared to chewing on your shoulder as his hips rock insistently to yours, grinding down hard as he moans pornographically. Whenever you can see his face (fuzzy, through a haze of static, your inputs faltering) his eyes are screwed shut while his jaw is slack. You’re not noiseless yourself, by any means, but the small pants falling from your speakers are nothing compared to the symphony of ecstasy in your lap._ _

__Weirdly poetic for you when you’re fucking and really fucking close to orgasm. You try not to focus on it, pull yourself back. Like hell you’re finishing before fishfuck; you have pride._ _

__Fortunately for you, his frantic grinding suddenly goes up a kick. “Ah, Sol, fuck—”_ _

__“Fucking _do it_ ,” you grit out. You can feel your brain going to static and he moans obscenely once more, wanton like the best pornstars, as he comes in thick jets over your nearby hands and lap. You tremble on that edge for a second, quiet pants turning into ragged breaths as you crash on the other side and see stars._ _

__You don’t move. It takes too much effort and Eridan’s still on you, trembling. He’s got some pretty bad shakes, shuddering with every breath. He’s slumped on himself, not quite back or forward but whimpering often as his fishdick slides back within his sheath. You’re blinking away the static in your brain as quickly as you can, legs twitching every time your oversensitive cock gets lazily “petted” from Eridan’s modified biology._ _

__He finally sits up again, gills and fins fluttering. Blinks. Looks at you blearily, makes to nuzzle at your neck. Suddenly stops, eyes widening and earfins canting down. “Oh shit. Sorry.”_ _

__You don’t get it. “Huh?”_ _

__He gestures towards your shoulder. It feels a little sore, to be honest, and you look over expecting the start of some nasty hickies. You see teeth marks, almost horrific teeth marks, multiple crescents of shark teeth just imbedded into your shoulder. Most of them are bleeding, some are bruising._ _

__You start to freak out a little. It kind of ruins the post-orgasmic haze._ _

__“This is just worthy of a _sorry_?! What the fuck, ED?”_ _

__He winces at your volume, wobbily getting off your lap. “It’ll heal fast and you won’t even feel most of it, it’s okay. Siren thing. Learned in modified biology.” He crashes against your side, the non-mauled one, and you’re too tired to move away. “Numbing agent in saliva. And healing agents. It’s weird.”_ _

__You absentmindedly put your hand in Eridan’s hair, pointedly ignoring your lap full of jizz. It’s vaguely disgusting. His hair’s pretty soft, surprisingly, and you let him curl up with his face in your neck like an oversized kitten. He’s even cooing a little. Something about this feels domestic, weirdly so, because you’ve been... a thing? for maybe a week. It’s normal with Feferi, but Eridan? Nah._ _

__You guys should probably talk about this at some point. All three of you. Poly negotiations._ _

__And then Eridan twists a little and puts his lips on your neck, sucking a little. You tense warily._ _

__“ED, what the fuck are you doing?”_ _

__“Teethless hickey,” he mumbles up against your neck. “Still wanna mark you up.” You detach him from it._ _

__“I work in retail, ED. In the public eye. I’m not supposed to have any sort of thing like that.” You glance at your other shoulder. “You’re lucky I can cover this up at least.”_ _

__“Sorry,” he mumbles again. “Wasn’t thinking.” Of course he wasn’t. You go back to petting his hair lazily, and stay that way until your joint mess starts to dry and crack on your skin._ _

__“ED. Bathroom. Where?”_ _

__He gestures somewhere to the back and left._ _

__“I’m going to clean up.” Ugh, it cracks when you move, gross._ _

__“Cool.” He yawns with a mouth unnaturally wide. “I’m gonna get something to eat while you do? If you don’t mind?”_ _

__Of course you don’t mind. You shrug, considering you could go for a charge up yourself when you’re done being... jizzy. Ugh. His couch is going to be stained and you don’t even give a shit, serves him right for having leather couches._ _

__Oh god your slacks have jizz on them. Ew ew ew._ _

__It takes about five minutes to clean yourself off, going through what feels like half a roll of toilet paper, giving you some time to think over the most recent events. One, Eridan plus sex equals yes good please continue with lots of blowjobs. Two, Eridan plus domestic things is weird, weird, fucking hella weird no._ _

__Maybe you won’t stay for a charge. It’ll probably be weird. Awkward as shit, actually. You’re torn- you usually stay after fucking, but usually you’re sleeping with Feferi who’s your _girlfriend_ and she’s been your girlfriend for ages and it’s not awkward anymore._ _

__Yeah, maybe you’ll go home. Maybe you’ll stay. It depends, you guess, and haul your pants up over your ass._ _

__Eridan had cooked up some vegetables and fish while you were away. Or, rather, just the vegetables. The fish are raw slabs. You’re actually surprised he didn’t order take-out while you were in the bathroom, it seems like something he’d do. Especially considering how much garbage is just scattered randomly around his apartment. The apartment itself is incredibly nice, it’s all fish tanks, literally everywhere. The floor is a fish tank; the walls are a fish tank, and they are all stocked with salt water fish. You wouldn’t be surprised if they were all connected and one of the back rooms was basically nothing but a pool. The living room is covered in garbage which looks pretty strange next to things like the super soft animal skin rug he’s got on the floor in the living room._ _

__He probably hasn’t ever done a day of work in his life. It’s actually kind of irritating to think about and you wonder if his family knows he doesn’t attend any of his classes. It’s more than a little irresponsible to be paying for a university as expensive as Derse U and not attend any of the classes. You wonder if Eridan even knows what major he is. You wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t._ _

__“Hey!” He mumbles around a mouthful of broccoli. You sit and watch him shovel, plugging into an outlet near the head of the table. He’s got a pretty big table for somebody who seems like he has no friends._ _

__“Yo.”_ _

__The silence is awkward and half full of the noises from Eridan’s atrocious table manners. You can’t think of anything to say and he’s busy eating. You think he tries to tell you shit, but it’s hard to understand around _“schnarf arumgh mmmghleh abnbuts sluuuuurp.”_ Fuck, at least Feferi’s got actual etiquette when she eats after sex (it’s a seadweller thing, you think, exceptionally high metabolisms). You’d think he grew up in a barn if you weren’t currently sitting in a penthouse suite in one of the most expensive areas of the city._ _

__When your battery feels about at 75% you yank the plug out of the wall. “Hey, ED.”_ _

__“Hmmm?” He says around a mouthful of tuna. Sashimi seems so weird. You’d never gotten the chance to try it._ _

__“I’m gonna head out.”_ _

__He pouts so hard he must have pulled a muscle. There’s even a little pitiable whine with that wibble of a lip, though his cheeks are ballooning around his mouthful and that’s a little more gross than cute. Ew, you almost called him cute. He swallows forcibly, neck gills doing a strange wave as food passes by, and whines out “Soooool, no, stay.”_ _

__“I have homework to do,” you lie out your speakers. “I’d stay if I had the time. I have work tomorrow too; I have to sleep sometime.”_ _

__He stands up as you walk towards the door, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and keeping straight at your heels like a doting housewife. That’s Feferi’s role, not his. His role is being a choice piece of ass. Still, he lingers around the door, rocking back and forth and still in his boxers. Probably waiting for something, a goodbye kiss maybe?_ _

__Joke’s on him, you still don’t have a mouth._ _

__As you stand in the doorway for a moment, he leans in and kisses your screen gently. It’s chaste but warm and you just kind of stare awkwardly around for a minute as he mumbles something that sounds like a “good night.”_ _

__**== > Sollux: Be visited at work** _ _

__You can’t be visited at work yet, you haven’t even started your shift! After the night of the dinner you didn’t work until the following Tuesday, which is coincidentally today. You find yourself mentally preparing for your upcoming shift in the break room, having gotten to work quite a while earlier than necessary. Aradia’s been working for at least four hours at this point already downstairs. You don’t envy her hours- sure, the pay’s good, but you can barely slog through four hours on a regular basis. Eight-plus is exhausting at best._ _

__You check your watch. Welp, time for work. You head downstairs and clock in behind the cash register as par the usual._ _

__Aradia starts chatting almost immediately._ _

__“Sollux! How was your weekend?” You don’t have to turn around to imagine the 0u0 face going on behind you. “By the way, you have a visitor. He’s been here wandering around the store for a while now. I think you’ll be pleased to find that he hasn’t even made a big mess this time!” She giggles brightly._ _

__You automatically can tell something is up. Obviously she’s talking about Eridan, but this is stupid, Aradia definitely knows who Eridan is at this point._ _

__“Is Eridan here AA?” You lisp at her. You’re a little annoyed and you’re trying not to sound it (you’re failing too); you can tell she’s not spitting something out to rib you. It is just like her to keep secrets from you, that jerk. She spent the whole movie fiasco last month (oh yeah did you even mention its December first now?) in cahoots with your girlfriend._ _

__“Oooh yeah, he’s right over there.” She points you in the direction of the fitting rooms._ _

__You head that way, certain there’s some unflattering emoticon on your screen. Thankfully, it doesn’t matter because you’re wearing your screen protector from now on. Rufioh can suck it._ _

__You step into the fitting room area just to be greeted by Eridan holding a bouquet of purple flowers. Oh no. Those can’t be for _you_. Seriously? Okay, Eridan has officially lost his mind. Yep. He brought you flowers at work._ _

__Does he think this is one of Karkat’s stupid romcoms?_ _

__“You didn’t,” you deadpan. His fins immidiately flap down, lips pouting._ _

__“W- what’s that supposed to mean?” He actually stutters. “I thought it was a nice gesture after last Saturday.”_ _

__You can practically feel the stick figure banging its head against a wall going on behind your protector. “ED, I don’t even like flowers.”_ _

__He acts as though you hadn’t said that. “I know you probably woulda liked them better in yellow, or probably even red or blue, but purple geraniums are my favorite and. Yeah. Thought it’d be nice to have a reminder of me.”_ _

__“Did you not hear the part where I don’t like flowers?”_ _

__“Take them anyway?” He wibbles, stuttering on the Ts. “It’d really mean a lot, kay, I know it’s a polyamorous thing and I thought it’d be a good gesture anyw-way, you know, to solidify our relationship and a-“_ _

__“Eridan I’ll take your stupid flowers hand them over and shut up.” He shuts up and hands you the flowers. Okay cool. Now what? You’re at work and you don’t have a vase or anything. Shit, you’re pretty sure you don’t have a vase back at the dorms. Whatever, you’ll figure something out. They’ll probably end up in some cup of water on your desk._ _

__You look down at the flowers a little helplessly. You should probably take them upstairs and leave them in the break room rather than let them chill in the fitting rooms with you for the entirety of your shift. Aradia giggles at you the second you pass her again and it’s only through the grace of god that you manage not to flip her off as you go into the back._ _

__Eridan keeps you company until your shift nears its break and lunch comes around. And no, you don’t let him go with you to lunch; you have a ritual to upkeep. Instead, Eridan subjects you to a rather long and awkward kiss right outside your store as you stand there vaguely impassively, unable to respond._ _

__“So, uh. Yeah. Thanks, I guess,” You say, scratching at the back of your neck._ _

__“No problem, Sol.” He smiles widely, and then brings it back to a calculated meekish look with puppy dog eyes that make you want to punch somebody in the face. “So, um. Are we, like, a thing now?”_ _

__You shrug. Fef’s okay with it, apparently, because she orchestrated the entire failure, so. “Yeah, sure.”_ _

__He beams and you could probably count all the teeth he’s got._ _

__You head downstairs alone to where Karkat would meet you. He’s there, of course he is, with a spectacularly surly face as you sit and plug in. “So, how’d the rest of dinner go?” You’re genuinely curious._ _

__Karkat looks disgruntled, breathing in deep before beginning slowly. “Well. It definitely could have gone better.” You can feel the rant bubbling up in his eyes, as it slowly swells up in his throat. Good god, what on earth went so wrong that he actually managed not to just flip right over into Rant Mode. Maybe you should have stayed? Nah, you’re pretty sure getting laid constitutes a good excuse for not sitting through an evening where people gorge themselves on food. Especially since you can’t reciprocate._ _

__“In fact it could have been so much better that I’m surprised the earth didn’t fucking swallow me whole and let me dance in the pits of hell because that could possibly have been better. Jesus penis chewing cum snorting bone crunchers I should have died right fucking there it was so terribly awful they wouldn’t fucking leave me alone, they just wouldn’t leave me the FUCK alone, I mean can you imagine, can you fucking IMAGINE, TWO SHIT-EATING ASS MONKEYS PLAYING LET’S KILL THE KARKAT ON THE DUMBFUCK’S LAP WOW LOOK AT THAT HE BRUISES LET’S DO IT SOME MORE LETS CRUSH THE BALLS HE COULD HAVE HAD AND ELBOW HIM IN THE FACE WITH FUR YEAH THAT’S TOTALLY A THING THAT WE SHOULD DO.” He pauses to take a short breath. “John and Jade had a sibling fight on me and I lost my temper and Kanaya should have killed me but instead I went home.” He finishes, looking more than a little irritable._ _

__“Oh shit. I guess I probably should’ve stayed. Sorry about that KK, but like. Eridan’s a choice piece of ass and when do you get the chance to be bone someone like that, and have your girlfriend’s approval. You don’t. That’s the answer.”_ _

__“Well fuck you too, you smarmy shit eating bastard. Did you spend the evening with your tongue up his ass? It wouldn't have mattered if you stayed though; it seemed inevitable that I'd punch myself in the face metaphorically.” He practically groans at you, not even bothering to correct his curses to allow for you not having a mouth._ _

__You shrug and attempt to steer the conversation away from the hell that the dinner seemed to pan out as. “Speaking of Eridan, he came into my store today.”_ _

__Karkat literally snorts at you for this one, looking up from his slump. “Color me surprised. Oh, look how surprised I am. The shock may kill me!” His arms are just going this way and that with the overdramatics. His tirade ends with his face contorting into one of the most perfect bitch glares you’ve ever seen._ _

__“You knew he was coming in? Did you also know he brought me flowers? Fucking flowers KK. I live in a fucking dorm room. That shit is like a cave.”_ _

__“Of course I fucking knew; the idiot thinks I'm his personal romance guide. ‘Kar what kind of flowers does Sol like?' How the fuck would I know, I'm not going to woo your bony white ass. I tried to convince him he should probably just not, but -”_ _

__“Yeah, I know, the asshole is really fucking persistent; he really doesn't know when to just give the whining up.” You finish for him._ _

__“What kind of flowers did it end up being? He just went, and I quote, 'I'm getting him my favorite then thanks Kar bye' and signed off before I could get a word in edgewise.” Of course Karkat would ask the kind. Great now you have to remember their name. This is totally not your thing ok?!_ _

__“Oh shit. I don't know. What was it. Something German? Germamaiums? Germanius? I don't know... Germaniums? Yeah, it's definitely the last one.” You say mater-of-factly, like you’ve never been surer of anything in your entire life. You’re totally proud of yourself for remembering the name. Yep._ _

__Karkat is not amused with your bastardization of the flower’s name. “Geraniums? You sure? Little tiny things in bunches?” He asks, slightly deadpanning at you._ _

__Dang it, you still got the name wrong. “Yeah, that. Geraniums. You're completely right. Little purple things in bunches.”_ _

__There’s a pause as Karkat stares at you. Then he starts to snicker. Slowly but surely it creeps up into a full out roar of laugher, vaguely hysterical and stifled into his arm but he’s rolling around with it, pointing with his other hand and flailing a little. People were starting to stare. What the actual fuck?_ _

__“Yes,” you ask, ignoring the completely uncalled for embarrassment hot under your collar for something you’re certain you have no reason to be embarrassed about._ _

__He ignores you, but eventually the hysterical laughter pitters down into a breathy rant. “Oh god. Oh god, that idiot. That moron. Oh holy bulgebiters he knows nothing, literally nothing, he is the worst at romance and he’s so lucky you’re a goddamn moron at this shit too, I’m surrounded by dumbfucks who make stupid ass decisions with their love lives and you guys don’t even know how fucking stupid you are sometimes it’s hilarious, the funniest thing, I’m going to literally die in a froth in my own laugh spittle this should not be so goddamn hilarious. Eridan is the idiotest idiot to ever idiot in the history of all dumbasses-”_ _

__“Hold the fuck up KK. What?” You level him a glare he can’t even appreciate. “Why is Eridan an even bigger idiot than usual and what was that?”_ _

__Between snickers Karkat shakes his head. “He's LITERALLY calling you an idiot, asshole, or he's calling himself an idiot but you, mostly you, he gave the flowers to you.”_ _

__Ok, now you’re officially really confused. “What?”_ _

__“Geraniums are literally the flowers of idiots, he is calling you an idiot and it’s perfect!”_ _

__

__**_~Fin~_ ** _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! BUT not really! I hope you guys enjoyed the ride! This is only the beginning for our siren dork and insufferable object head! Stay tuned for more stories!! ~ Love ya guys! I'll be seeing you in the next installment of the series! 
> 
> Thank you for reading, truly from the bottom of my silly little fan girl heart. ~ Kera


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